Do You Know What Today Is?

(sang like Tony Tone Toni...)

"It's my anniversary...it's my anniversary" (of my birthday!
And what a day it will be!

Filled with:

class.
books.
learning.
reading.
oh! and writing.

and lots of questions surrounding how i celebrated or how i plan to celebrate. and lots of me giving answers like "eh, not this year."

but yay me. 24 don't know what's comin!

Do It To It!

WTF!

now tell me this shit won't give you nightmares! (courtesy of www.dlisted.com)

Stolen Women: Reclaiming Our Sexuality

(pic courtesy of Amazon)

"Gail Elizabeth Wyatt's Stolen Women explores how body identities are often shaped by deeply rooted myths and cultural stereotypes. Tracing black women's body images and sexuality from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, Wyatt powerfully explains in her introduction that "to the degree that we allow our sexual self-image to be defined by others, we will remain, as our ancestors were, stolen women, captives not of strangers but of the past, and of our own unexamined experiences. The challenge we face is to see ourselves not as others see us or want us to be seen, but as we are, as we were, and as we want to be."

Wyatt, a Ph.D. and professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science at UCLA, explores the origins and hazards of these images through a psychiatric lens. Her use of case studies and behavioral research puts a human face on how these myths affect the development of young black women, and her careful analysis breaks down behavioral trends clearly and concisely. Black women are often seen in opposing sexual terms, either as completely nonsexual or perpetually sexually available. Wyatt fills in the gap between these two dangerous stereotypes, unpacking childhood messages about sex and exploring issues like how girls learn to be "ladies." She encourages all "stolen women" to regain control over their bodies from these external forces, allowing women to apply her work to their own lives and giving them the tools to break free, refusing to believe these painful myths are unchangeable." -- Amy Wan


So, I haven't finished this piece yet, but close to it. Dr. Wyatt looks at Black female sexuality from a historical, cultural and contemporary perspective. And...she does it RIGHT! Not only was I doing a lot of head nodding--I was writing in the margins, taking notes, talking about it with colleagues, friends, etc. This book has touched me. Similarly to Shifting (which I reviewed in an earlier post, Stolen Women looks at the lives of Black women today and how we have been affected by our past. how we have been raped, brutalized, exploited and stereotyped; and how we are still fighting this today.

As you may know, I'm real big on sex. But more importantly, I believe in having a healthy sexuality that you are able to express with whomever, whether this be through words, art, music, swag, or the act itself. Your sexuality is your own, and while people in your life do sometimes discourage it, and it may feel like it's been taken away from you due to low self esteem or trauma, but you own it! Big or small, short or tall, you are a sexual being, and whether you are sexually active or not, your sexuality is always a force to wreckon with, once you learn how to affirm it properly.

People will always try to label you, and as black women, we tend to be labeled as either promiscuous or asexual, never an in between combo of confident in ourselves and mature with our sexuality. So it IS our job to use it, and use it well!

Oh, and how awesome is it that Dr. Gail Wyatt a sex therapist?!?! Ahh, my idol. (for real though, I definitely plan on having a specialty along the lines)

Check this great read out ladies (black or white); I guarantee you'll learn about yourself, your peers, and your sexual power!

Mia Stylista

check out my homegirl SNAPS in her FIRST feature as Mia Stylista! (click the pic)

Love Her.

Always.
(courtesy of mediatakeout.com)

Take a Listen

Songs on my playlist (top right) that are a MUST LISTEN:

Goapele - First Love
Musiq Soulchild - Millionaire
Desiree - Kissing You (Romeo & Juliet theme)
Evanescence - My Immortal (forever in my heart)
Chrisette Michele - Golden (definitely a candidate for my wedding song)
Amel Larrieux - For Real
Ne-Yo, Jamie & Fab - She Got Her Own (hottest track out right now!)

...a personal playlist says a lot about a person and what they're been through, what they're going through, and what they're longing for...

Pronounce "Le - A," I Dare You.

This email from a good friend made my day. Then...it made me sad:

So...it's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes...you read it right.

THE DASH IS NOT SILENT.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish. (Louisiana) Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her daughter's name wrong. When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said 'the dash don't be silent.'

SO, if you see something like this come across your desk, please remember to pronounce the dash.


I just don't understand. I just don't get it. How do we know when creativity has gone too damn far?

Ain't This About A Bitch?!?

Now PLEASE try to tell me that racism no longer exists...(click the pic for full article)

This is Me, Today

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Jason Mraz: I'm Yours (the acoustic version is best)

Palin on SNL

all the mavericks in the house put ya hands up...

Scarlet Takes a Tumble.

Po' Lil Tink Tink

Chi-Town!

Just Sometimes...

Recently, I have found myself mesmerized by wedding rings. I really cannot explain it. When I see people on the street, on the bus, on the train, anywhere, I look directly at their ring fingers. What am I looking for? What does it mean if there is a ring or not? Am I sure it's even a wedding ring? Nah. I really have no clue where this came from and what its significance is. Do I get jealous when I see a big ass rock on someone's finger? No. Am I happy for them? Can't say that I am, because my thought goes no further than identification of marital status. This is all to say that sometimes, some teeny tiny part of me, is madly in love with the idea of a proposal, a wedding, a marriage, a family, a life with a partner and pickney. If you were to ask me on any ol' day, this is not the response you would get! Call it a chip on the shoulder, call it the Black Woman's Dilemma, whatev. But in this moment, I want it all!

Serenity. More Ways Than One.

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other." - Reinhold Neibuhr

"O God and Heavenly Father,

Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; the courage to change that which can be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen." - Queries and Answers

"For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it." - W.W. Bartley

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference." - Alcoholics Anonymous

"God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next." - Unknown

Whoever said it, however you want to spin it, serenity is something we all long for; something we all need a bit of; something that seems impossible to attain, and something we cannot get from our external world.

I'm slowly learning that my own personal serenity has to come from within...I can't blame my supposed lack of it on my busy school schedule, my clients, my dissertation; no. I can't blame it on family illness, break ups, bad friends...I've been so caught up in the serenity of the world; the serenity that I think others have that I don't; the serenity of those in good relationships, with good friends, good food, satisfying careers, etc. But, why am I so caught up in the comparison? Why is his/her serenity any more valuable than my own? How dare I even try to place value on mine and other's peace?

Git It.

Now This...Is a Problem!

2 Year Old Shoots Dad

Posted using ShareThis

Let's Talk About Sex!

Again, as any regular reader can tell, I am very much aware of my sexuality and very much into Black sexuality and its use as a definition of self. Below is something I wrote a little while ago, that I haven't had the chance to expand, but definitely will. Whether I choose to disseminate to a wider audience, we shall see. But for now...I give this, to you:

"I am no freak, but I definitely appreciate what I can bring to a sexual relationship with a man, and I appreciate what I can do for him. And vice versa...my sexuality is nothing I should be ashamed of...it's informative, it's educational, it's an art in itself. My pussy is a paintbrush, and with it I draw out my fantasies, your fantasies, our wants and needs that cannot be met by anyone else at this very moment...

So why should I blush when speaking about this subject? Why should I watch my words when I talk about what I want and need from a man, and what I want to give to him? Why should I be discrete when I talk about what pleases me sexually, and what I think or know pleases him in the same way?

Who says sex can't be talked about on a first date? I can ask you where you're from, what you do, all about your family and place of origin, trying to get a feel for your personality...yet how you express yourself in bed should be saved for date #4...We make ourselves so busy trying to find the love of lour lives...most of this confined to what we have in common, goals in life, general vibe between us. But let me tell you, if that "vibe" is not there when we have sex, then the rest of that pertinent information can go out of the window. The perfection of my mate includes our connection during sexual activity. Call me shallow, tell me I'm overlooking what's "important," but I'll tell you that you're overlooking and ignoring one of the most important aspects of our characters...

Expression comes in all forms, verbal and nonverbal. It's on my face, it's in my voice, it's in my swagger, it's in my look, it's in my touch. Oooh, my touch, my stroke, my gaze, my posture. Body language. And you know what my body says...

Your sexuality and the expression of it is just as important to me as your honesty, your intellect, or your relationship with the world...so why can't I know?

My sexuality is a threat. It is my weapon of choice against those who aren't willing or cannot go the distance with me. You can be shocked, you can be appalled, you can be disgusted, but without knowing who you are sexually, you are also lost, confused and delirious..."

My Definition...of Me.

As you regular readers (do I even have regular readers??) may know, I just started working on my dissertation, which is examining at Black women and sexuality. (That's all I'll say about it for now, or I'll be going for days!)

As I consume this mass amount of research, day in, day out, and as I read about Black women from a historical perspective, sociological perspective, economical perspective, mostly WHITE perspective, I find so many emotions arising that I'm gonna need to keep OUT of my writing for professional purposes! I am so ready to tell SO many "scholars" off that I can bust!

The main reason that I've decided to dedicate my life's work to Black folk (not exclusively, of course, that's not nice), but definitely community oriented, is because I am sick and tired of being defined by someone else. And by someone else, I mean the current dominant society. And by current dominant society, I mean Whites. Most of the research on Black people, Black culture, Black experience, is written from the outside. This is for many reasons.

It's not because Black people CANNOT write.

It's not because Black people DO not write.

This is because those who have the power to DISSEMINATE their writing, are NOT Black. Those who have the education, skills, and access to publishers and other educators, are our White counterparts. See a problem? Cuz I see a problem.

Historically, Blacks have been defined inaccurately, and without remorse, by others. Black females, especially, have been stripped of their authority to define themselves racially and sexually, from a history filled with sexploitation to a contemporary world of video vixens and hos. We have a complex that no one can deny. Why? Because we have taken on this damned definition that was given to us without knowing us, without respecting us, without BEING us, and we now learned to use it against ourselves. From our violence, to our sexuality, to our identity.

Well, I will say one thing.

I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a fabulous family, great friends, and an undeniable education that instills within me the power to define myself. (AND to disseminate my own shit when I get my degree!) As I continue to read and learn, I am learning to finally examine and apply; what is said about me, what is said about my brother, my father, my uncle, my mother, my aunt, my cousins; what is said about you, and what is said about us; and use all of this information to RE-DEFINE myself, to RE-DEFINE my people, in our own words, through a Black lens, through THE BLACK EXPERIENCE.

I am a Black woman. That no longer equates to uneducated (however, it may equate to miseducated), poor or lazy.

I am educated. This means that I can do more than take care of house, home and kids. I can read, write, speak, judge, plan and deliver accordingly.

I have sex, and I like it. This no longer equates to being a Jezebel, ready to fuck and suck anything that comes my way, and not having sense enough to know how you regard my sexuality. I am not hyper-sexed, always looking for a good time, and incapable of sophisticated love.

I love. Not only my children. Not only myself. Not only my man. But I am capable of an unconditional love of my people, that I will never apologize for.

I can. I can do it all. And if your definition of me limits my ability to do anything that I want, then it is incorrect. And it then becomes my job, and my place, to correct you.

*Rising Star*

Remember her? From "Full House?"


Well, ya girl is all grown up now and taking Hollywood by STORM!


Jurnee Smollett, on her way to the top!

Shifting

"Based on the African American Women's Voices Project, Shifting reveals that a large number of African American women feel pressure to compromise their true selves as they navigate America's racial and gender bigotry. Black women "shift." They change the expectations they have for themselves. Or they alter their outer appearance. They modify their speech. They shift 'white' as they head to work in the morning and 'black' as they come back home each night. They shift inward, internalizing the searing pain of the negative stereotypes that they encounter daily. And sometimes they shift by fighting back."

"With deeply moving interviews, poignantly revealed on each page, Shifting is a much-needed, clear, and comprehensive portrait of the reality of African American women's lives today."

I began reading this book last week for my dissertation, and not only is it informative, it is revealing, applicable, and one of the most powerful pieces on Black Women that I have yet to come across. From the "lily complex" to the "sisterella complex," from black sex to black relationships, from interracial dating to divorce to sex, to single motherhood and the church, to balancing a career, Black men, and Black children, this book just TAKES YOU THERE. I loved it! And plan on using this as a resource not only for my book, but for how I love my life.

(click the pic)

Hey Now Mr. Franco.

Your Welcome.

Say What Snaps?

A good friend of mine, SNAPS, posted to her blog the other day on a life changing event and came away from it with this FABULOUS quote:

"PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU AS WELL AS YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO THEM"

At this trying time in my life, this quote resonates with me so much that I almost shed a mothertruckin' tear when I read it! (Thanks Snaps, thanks-a-lot) SO anyway, this phrase can be applied to damn near any context that it is placed in, concerning relating to other people. Whether professionally, romantically, friendly, familially (likely not a word), whatever, I find that people treat you the way they see you. In my profession, working with severely chronic psychotic and mood disordered folk, this definitely applies. I treat my clients, and form a therapeutic relationship with them, based on how I see them, and vice versa. If they do not trust me, they will let me know, in their own way. If they trust me and depend on me for guidance, they will act like it. Mind you, these presentations wane depending on the situation of course. But, I digress.

In the context of societal influences, everyone treats others based on their own personal categorization of them; whether by race, creed, height, gender, eye color, location, swagger, anything. We all have these set schemas in our mind that guide us on how to live, based on what we've been through or what we've seen others go through.

Pretty self explanatory stuff, right?

If I've seen the likes of you before, whoever YOU are, I will act accordingly. If I've acted toward your like a certain way in the past and got burned, I will from here on out change my swag with your like. If I had a pleasant experience with "your like" before, again, I will act accordingly. By accordingly, I don't mean according to YOU, I mean, according to ME, and MY experiences.

Again, pretty simple stuff, right?

So, as I begin my two year dissertation project on Black male / Black female relationships, this quote is emblazoned in my mind. As black men and women navigate their way through their respective dating pools, moaning and groaning about what's not out there for them, looking on as more and more White folk their same age are tying the knot, starting families, building new lives, they need to keep this particular quote in mind.

While this quote is equal opportunity, I am especially talking to my Black female cohort. Men will continue to treat us, how we demand to be treated. Disclaimer: some men ARE in the art of taking advantage of women, and the stability and health of a relationship is dependent only upon the stability and health of EACH partner, so even if a woman presents themself in one way, they treat them in another. However, even in the case of someone taking advantage of another, only YOU decide how you will be treated and what you can and will put yourself through. While a tough decision to make when it comes to love, you know yourself best, and you know what you want / need in your relationships. But again, I digress.

If you present yourself as needy, dependent, looking for love, NEEDING a man's protection and affection to be happy, then...you will be treated as such, my dear. If you go into a relationship and give YOURSELF (which is all you got) up, trust, someone will TAKE YOU THERE. If you let men (or women) get away with the bullshit that you would gossip about if another girl were your the same situation, then change needs to be made. And introspection needs to take place. That, in itself, in letting shit go down, is presenting yourself, as willing to deal with it. And ladies, we seem to forget this time and time again. We are ALWAYS presenting ourselves to other people. And we have many different presentations. If you continually PRESENT as a woman who will suffer through abuse, neglect, disrespect, str8 up trash, then you WILL be treated as such! Sorry.

And this is not to blame anyone. Self-esteem is subjective, and our pride is a force to be reckoned with. However, IT'S ALL IN THE PRESENTATION OF SELF!

Please self-reflect. It's the only way that we, as a society, as a people, can make it.

So....

I too, am overwhelmed.

By practicum.

By school.

By dissertation. (By thinking about dissertation)

By holding.

By changing in seasons.

By cleaning.

By not eating properly.

By loving.

By reading.

By not sleeping properly.

By talking.

By writing.

By learning.

By typing.

By knowing.

By being.

"Style is the best way to say who you are, without having to speak." - Rachel Zoe

Preach!

Tristan: Come with me. Come with me!
Isolde: I can't!
Tristan: Why not? Please!
Isolde: Tristan, we both know this can't be, we've known it from the start. That doesn't mean it isn't true, it is, it just cannot be. I want to know that you're alive somewhere thinking of me from time to time. I want to know that there's more to this life and I can't know that if they kill you. Please! Go.

A Special Thanks...

"When Ursa Corregidora is five years old and questions the truth of her great-grandmother's stories, her great-grandmother tells her, "I'm leaving evidence. And you got to leave evidence too. And your children got to leave evidence. And when it come time to hold up the evidence, we got to have evidence to hold up. That's why they burned all the papers, so there wouldn't be no evidence to hold up against them." Ursa's great-grandmother was raped and then used as a whore by her white slave owner, Corregidora, as was her daughter after her. Ursa had a black father, but her skin more closely resembles the color of Corregidora, the man who is both her grandfather and great-grandfather. Ostracized by darker-skinned women who resent the added value her light skin gives her among black men, and unable to trust any man, black or white, because of the stories she was raised on, Ursa Corregidora sings the blues and fights both the past and the present to maintain mental and physical autonomy. Internal monologues, dreams and remembered stories intermingle with present-day reality until it becomes difficult for the reader or Ursa to draw the lines between them, a task made doubly difficult when black men echo the proprietary attitudes (and sometimes words) of dead slave owners. Gritty and full of pain, a combination of snarl and moan, Corregidora presents a searing denunciation of racism and sexism in both white and black communities." - Erica Bauermeister

"Corregidora is the most brutally honest and painful revelation of what has occurred, and is occurring, in the souls of Black men and women."— James Baldwin

Now this book, which I read my senior year of college in my Black Women Writers course, touched me in so many ways, in so many places I never knew I could be moved...to tears, to joy, to anger, to happiness, to ACTION ~ a call for change for the Black woman, wherever she is.

a SPECIAL THANK YOU to Ms. Janis A. Mayes! You made it tough, but you DEFINITELY made it worth it!

Golden

"I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all

I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more

I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be

Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love

Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love

Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love

I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

Let's last forever (let's last forever)

No typical american shady love

Let's stay together (let's stay together)

Pray God smile upon ours"

Chrisette Michele - Golden (on my playlist)

I tried this...I was everything I knew what was in a good woman...He tried this...man of my dreams, would ask me to marry him if he could...so why wasn't it enough?

Golden committments just do NOT equate to golden lives...

Nope.

I've been avoiding talking political talk. It's entirely too much for me; way over my head. HOWEVA, this Palin woman...

I must say that she is not bombing this debate as much as I thought she would. A few snide remarks, always her style, are in there of course. Didn't expect anything less of her. But two topics I'd like to briefly speak on before I resume back to my neuropsychology homework.

Same Sex Marriage

MIND YO BIZNAZZ!!! Who are you, "good" country o' America, to tell anyone who they can/cannot marry, insure with their benefits, and have basic rights? Why do you care? What does Bob and Ben's marriage to each other REALLY change within our system? With such a diverse population of people of different races, ethnicities, creeds, sexual orientations, able-bodiedness, etc., why is America still stuck on church and state? In about 2042, Caucasians are projected to no longer be the majority race in the United States.

I said it.

Caucasians will NO LONGER be the majority. Times is changin' folks, and you betta walk that mothertruckin' walk with 'em!

This statistic is all to say to the American people...it is not your duty to "tolerate" people's differences in this ever changing society; it is your duty, as a human being, as an equal opportunity player, to accept people's differences and respect them as well as respect what is not your business. Lawd knows I don't want to get into the hetero- homo- bi- queer trans- talk...I could go on forever. Blame my field of study. But people, please. Let this issue go. And let people be!

Rape Victims

Now Palin. Some have heard, and some haven't. But in your town of Wasilla Alaska, you were running amuck, and it disgusts me. How DARE you, HOW DARE YOU, propose, that rape victims, men/women who claim to be sexually violated, pay for their own forensic rape kit?

How can you make a law, re-traumatizing a victim of a crime, by making him/her pay for these services? What does this say to first offenders, repeat offenders, that their victims have to pay out of pocket for a procedure that can cost upwards of $1400?? How does this not give perpetrators a reason to CONTINUE PERPETRATING?!? Hmm. This seems like an easy equation to me.

making victims pay=victim re-traumatization=less men/women reporting being victims=perpetrator enabling=perpetrating increase.

No? Am I the only one seeing this?Maybe.

May the higer ups help us through this time of demise.

No Words.

click Black Snob for the post!

But Why, Boo?!? Why?!?

Smiling...

[Chorus:]
And so I put on my makeup (put it on, put it on)
Put a smile on my face (a smile on my face)
And if anyone asks me (oooh yeah)
Everything is ok (oh I’m laughing)
I’m laughing ‘cause no one (no one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
But I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face (oooh)

Tamia - Smile

Wrong.