Just Cuz I Like It When He Says...

Mami el negro está rabioso

El quiere tu azúcar, y tu no se lo das
Esa morena está sabrosa
Y cuando tú la tocas, ella se vuelve loca


Don't know what the hell those words mean, but I do know how Pitbull makes me feel on the deep down inside when he says it...yum!

So Beautiful.

Musiq Soulchild - "sobeautiful"

DRAKE.

Aubrey Drake Graham, D.O.B. 10/24/86. Look familiar? Nowadays, he goes by the stage name DRAKE, and is one of the hottest up & coming rappers in the scene.

Now, you, as I, may know "Drake" as little Jimmy Brooks, who got shot in Degrassi High School a few seasons ago and ended up in a wheelchair for the rest of his stint on show. (I know, right!) But Jimmy is ALL grown up ladies (22 to be exact) and his name is all over the place.

Some history: He hails from T.O., Canada (which is where Degrassi hails from and was filmed, as well) to an African American father and Jewish mother. He began acting while at Forest Hill Collegiate Institute (high school). He began his role as Jimmy Brooks in 2001 (his largest role to date) but now is more into his rap career.

He has worked with a myriad of artists in the studio, including Trey Songz (Replacement Girl, when I first fell in love!), Lil Wayne, Bun B, Lloyd, Santogold and Omarion as he transitions to the US music scene. He has four self-published mixtapes (Room for Improvement, Comeback Season, Heartbreak Drake, and So Far Gone (set for release this year)) and his first album is also set to drop this year, Thank Me Later.

Oh, and it doesn't help that the boy is QUITE easy on the eyes....check out his websites, and support! You know hip-hop needs it!

http://www.myspace.com/thisisdrake
http://www.thisisdrake.com/
http://www.allthings-fresh.net/
MIXTAPES!

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that I'm seriously considering naming my son, if I have one, Drake. Yes. Drake.

The 2009 Academy Awards. Pleasures. Pains.

Lisa Rinna. She's admitted to bad cosmetic surgery , but....wow. The hair. The lips. I used to be a fan in your Days of Our Lives era, Lisa. Where have you left me?!?!?

I'm sick of this little Miley Cyrus girl, I'll be honest. The teeny bopper trying to turn sex symbol is an old idea, and I don't think she's making the transition well, at all. And this dress? You look like a Christmas tree, boo. Go home.

Fabulouuuuuuuuuuuus! Kate Winslet is stunning as she (usually) is in this grayish-bluish number. Elegance!

Jennifer Aniston, simple and elegant as usual. She looked great, though I wasn't feeling that Bohemian braid at the front...talk about an awkward moment when she presented with Jack Black and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the front row! She presented with grace and did not bat ONE DAMN EYE! Loved it.

Beyonce'...this was a bad idea. You've got great curves, gorgeous skin, stunning smile; this dress was a COMPLETE miss. Leave House of Derreon ALONE!! What are those, fish?!?!?

Evan Rachel Wood....took the cake for me Sunday night. From the moment I saw her, she was it for me! She's young, some say she's misguided...but in this number, she was the BIDNAAAAAASSSSS OF 2009! The pale skin with the soft toned gown, with that tat on the upper back? Picture perfect!!

As Marilyn Manson's young and current on again-off again girlfriend, many people are comparing Evan Rachel Wood to Manson's ex-wife, Dita Von Teese, Burlesque dancer extraordinaire (love her). What do you think?

Yes!

Now, I don't think this is from the Oscars, and I don't know exactly where this shot was taken nor do I give a hot damn, but I am thoroughly appalled. What the hell was Niecey Nash thinkin??

Hey Boo.

What Do You Think?

Heart Truth's (an awareness campaign for women about heart disease) Red Dress Collection 2009 Fashion Show...

YAY FOR NIA LONG!! Do we ever get tired of her ageless beauty??

NAY FOR VIVICA FOX!! Am I the only one who has been over her since her divorce a few years ago and fast decline since turning 40??? From her 'hood booga brush with 50 Cent, to some bad collagen in her lips, Vivica has lost it for me...

GET IT MS. CICELY TYSON!

I'll end with some tidbits that all women should know about heart disease. In alliance with the best motto I've heard all year: KNOW BETTER, DO BETTER.

-> one in four women in the United States dies of heart disease, while one in 30 dies of breast cancer.

-> An astonishing 80 percent of women ages 40 to 60 have one or more risk factor for heart disease.

-> It's not just a men's disease. If you've got a heart, heart disease can be your problem.

-> Mmong U.S. women ages 18 and older, 17.3 percent are current smokers, 51.6 are overweight (BMI 25 or greater), 27 percent have hypertension, 35 percent have high cholesterol, and 53 percent do not meet physical activity recommendations.

-> African American and Hispanic women, in particular, have higher rates of some risk factors for heart disease and are disproportionately affected by the disease compared to white women. More than 80 percent of midlife African American women are overweight or obese, 52 percent have hypertension, and 14 percent have been diagnosed with diabetes. Some 83 percent of midlife Hispanic women are overweight or obese, and more than 10 percent have been diagnosed with diabetes.

-> To protect your heart, it is vital to make changes that address each risk factor you have. (READ: going to the gym for a few months at the beginning of every ain't cuttin it, ladies. I don't give a damn how slim/trim you are. Being healthy is a mind frame; your psychological health, your physical health, your spiritual health, your healthy relationships.

-> Talk to your doctor. Don't wait for him/her to talk to you.


(courtesy of http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/index.htm)

Go On & Git It

Where Is He?

Does this question sound familiar?

Have you heard you friends say this?

Have you heard women on TV say this?

The infamous, "WHERE IS HE?" question runs rampant, and I must say, especially in the Black community because we're apparently pressed for good men! (Or so they say...the gender ratio is a whole 'nother post y'all) But anyway, many women find themselves asking themselves, their friends and their family this very question. And, trust, this question doesn't go away until they find "him!" And the longer he takes, the longer the question stands, and the more we begin to doubt ourselves or take a microscope to missed chances of the past...

I have a few friends who ask this question. Some way seriously, some only in times of sadness. But..they ask. Hey, I've even thought about the question before. But then I find myself getting too upset to even dare indulge it. Cuz honestly, this question annoys me. In fact, lately, it's actually pissed me off. I roll my eyes at the question. In the words of a good friend, "I spit" at this damn question. And I am very concerned at the increasing rates of Black women asking this question.

The # of women that I come across that have been pinned down by, cut down by, sent into psychological distress by, and dependent on this question to define themselves scares me. Now, I'm not saying not to be a fan of love and not to want to be in love and have someone love you. In my current situation, you KNOW I can't even go there! I am ALL about love! And I can only wish that every single person in this world could experience 14% of the feelings of love that I have for someone, and they'd be good in this area! But...I digress.

Anyway, my response to this question from now on, is (obviously not with clients):

Where are YOU?

Forget where he is. Forget what he's doing. Forget the fact that he's driving you mad and crazy, making you wait on him. Where are YOU in YOUR life, where you can't seem to function properly without him or the prospect of him? Where are YOU where you find yourself complaining about being unhappy with life because you're single or have been single for too long for it to be doing any good? Where are YOU with YOURSELF when you become dependent on another person (whoever that person may be) for you to shine through, do your thing, and have your own? Why are you waiting for him? What has he promised you, that you can only get from him?

I'll tell you what he HASN'T promised you, boo. He has NOT said that he would make you completely happy. He has NOT said that with him, you will be successful in the most important respects to you. He has NOT told you that with him, you will feel complete. Shit, he ain't even tell you he's on his way! He canNOT grant you that education, or that experience that you're getting. He has NOT promised to provide for you (or your family) upon his arrival.

So, please tell me, what are you really waiting for? And before you answer, look up the Cinderalla complex. Then look up the Prince Charming complex. Interpret what you find. Interpret what that means to you. Let it sink in that this is real world, and you must have your own. We're in a recession. Can't play no games!


Just thinkin on the keyboard...

The Marriage Talk.

So me and my ABC were chattin' it up in our usual bid for weekly procrastination a while back. Today's subject: Ex-Boyfriends / Lovers. And the inevitable question of, "What if they get married first?" / "What's gonna happen WHEN they get married?" leading to more questions like, "How will I find out?" and "What would I say?" and "What would she be like?"

AY: 9:35:48 AM I'm really hurt by X's marriage. While I'm happy for him.
AY: 9:35:53 AM Actually, I think I'm just very jealous
AY: 9:36:07 AM He's my first "ex" to do this to me.

This, said my me, and duly noted later by myself that my narcissistic side came out full blast in thinking that someone else's marriage, happiness and way to lead their life, should somehow still pertain to me. The audacity! However, I'm honest in this blog life, and yeah dammit, I said it. And part of me really meant it.

Funny to think that when we think about exes, we think about them with regards to us. If we're doing well, we damn sure want them to run into us in the streets. If not, we don't want to be seen by them because we don't want to have to avoid the awkward questions, nor is it OK for THEM to be progressing. ESPECIALLY not in the romantic scene. If I am single and pissed, you damn sure better believe that I'm not tryna hear that X, Y OR Z is in a stable relationship and moving on. Right?

Is this really true? Do we really think this? Does it depend on the ex? Does it depend on your current situation?

I will admit, that with certain "exes," I am still interested in what their romantic lives are like. I mean, is that wrong? Cuz if so, I'm wrong all over the damn place. For these particular men, some part of me would jump if I heard that he were either dating seriously, getting married, or having a child with someone. With some others, I am completely unconcerned or happy for them.

So does this mean that I'm not over those particular men? Does this mean that I'm jealous? Does this mean that I can't move on?

I don't think it means any of those. And I don't want to say that "misery loves company," because I'm not miserable, and I've never wanted my exes to be miserable. That's not nice. I just think it really depends on your CURRENT relationship with that person, and how you felt about when you were with that person, as well as why you're not with them. For example, if dude was cheating on me left and right, stole my credit cards and slapped my dog, I likely might not be able to care less who's life he's messing up. But if he was the love of my life at the time, and we broke up due to...a move across country, let's just say that I might be on his facebook page more frequently than others...


Just thinkin on the keyboard...

Four Women.

Nina Simone. Get with it.

OTB's Christmas WishList

Check him out ladies...Hill Harper (b. 1966), actor on CBS's CSI:NY (in the role of Dr. Sheldon Hawkes).

Born Francis Harper in Iowa City, Iowa, Mr. Harper was raised by his parents to be one of the FINEST men I have seen in my entire life. He graduated MAGNA CUM LAUDE from Brown University in Rhode Island, obtained his J.D. from Harvard Law School (how he knows good ol Barack!) as well as obtained his Masters in Public Administration from Harvard as well.

He was voted one of People's Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive in 2004 (what happened to the other years???) He has had numerous guest starring roles, however his most notable role is his current CSI:NY spot. He has also done Broadway y'all! Mr. Harper is also a full time member of Boston's Black Folk's Theatre Company, one of the oldest and most respected Black theater traveling troupes!

Mr. Harper has also written two books (and spoke to them on Oprah) - Letters to a Young Brother: MANifest Your Destiny for young Black males (also started a foundation by the same name) and Letters to a Young Woman: DeFINE Your Destiny.

Mr. Hill Harper, will you marry me?

MakeUp Bar!

So on Bravo's Real Housewives of Atlanta, the ladies went to a Makeup Bar located in downtown Atlanta. I'm thinking...what a FANTASTIC idea!

Just think about it...you, your friends, getting spa treatments and your hair and makeup done...while being served fabulous DRINKS!

You would think that every major city would have a Makeup Bar for their elite, and wanna-be elite and wanna just do something special occasion for big bucks type folks.

Wrong.

Upon researching, I've only located TWO makeup bars in the US! One in Atlanta, and one in Oklahoma City.

UPDATE: just found another one, in Cherry Hill, NJ!

Oklahoma City though? What happened to NYC, Vegas, LA, Miami, CHICAGO?!?!? Y'all are trippin & slippin.

However, if you ever find yourself in those cities with your girls and want to do something fun while having a night to remember, check them out!

Oklahoma City
Cherry Hill, NJ
Atlanta

Stolen Women: Reclaiming Our Sexuality

(pic courtesy of Amazon)

"Gail Elizabeth Wyatt's Stolen Women explores how body identities are often shaped by deeply rooted myths and cultural stereotypes. Tracing black women's body images and sexuality from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, Wyatt powerfully explains in her introduction that "to the degree that we allow our sexual self-image to be defined by others, we will remain, as our ancestors were, stolen women, captives not of strangers but of the past, and of our own unexamined experiences. The challenge we face is to see ourselves not as others see us or want us to be seen, but as we are, as we were, and as we want to be."

Wyatt, a Ph.D. and professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science at UCLA, explores the origins and hazards of these images through a psychiatric lens. Her use of case studies and behavioral research puts a human face on how these myths affect the development of young black women, and her careful analysis breaks down behavioral trends clearly and concisely. Black women are often seen in opposing sexual terms, either as completely nonsexual or perpetually sexually available. Wyatt fills in the gap between these two dangerous stereotypes, unpacking childhood messages about sex and exploring issues like how girls learn to be "ladies." She encourages all "stolen women" to regain control over their bodies from these external forces, allowing women to apply her work to their own lives and giving them the tools to break free, refusing to believe these painful myths are unchangeable." -- Amy Wan


So, I haven't finished this piece yet, but close to it. Dr. Wyatt looks at Black female sexuality from a historical, cultural and contemporary perspective. And...she does it RIGHT! Not only was I doing a lot of head nodding--I was writing in the margins, taking notes, talking about it with colleagues, friends, etc. This book has touched me. Similarly to Shifting (which I reviewed in an earlier post, Stolen Women looks at the lives of Black women today and how we have been affected by our past. how we have been raped, brutalized, exploited and stereotyped; and how we are still fighting this today.

As you may know, I'm real big on sex. But more importantly, I believe in having a healthy sexuality that you are able to express with whomever, whether this be through words, art, music, swag, or the act itself. Your sexuality is your own, and while people in your life do sometimes discourage it, and it may feel like it's been taken away from you due to low self esteem or trauma, but you own it! Big or small, short or tall, you are a sexual being, and whether you are sexually active or not, your sexuality is always a force to wreckon with, once you learn how to affirm it properly.

People will always try to label you, and as black women, we tend to be labeled as either promiscuous or asexual, never an in between combo of confident in ourselves and mature with our sexuality. So it IS our job to use it, and use it well!

Oh, and how awesome is it that Dr. Gail Wyatt a sex therapist?!?! Ahh, my idol. (for real though, I definitely plan on having a specialty along the lines)

Check this great read out ladies (black or white); I guarantee you'll learn about yourself, your peers, and your sexual power!

Git It.

Shifting

"Based on the African American Women's Voices Project, Shifting reveals that a large number of African American women feel pressure to compromise their true selves as they navigate America's racial and gender bigotry. Black women "shift." They change the expectations they have for themselves. Or they alter their outer appearance. They modify their speech. They shift 'white' as they head to work in the morning and 'black' as they come back home each night. They shift inward, internalizing the searing pain of the negative stereotypes that they encounter daily. And sometimes they shift by fighting back."

"With deeply moving interviews, poignantly revealed on each page, Shifting is a much-needed, clear, and comprehensive portrait of the reality of African American women's lives today."

I began reading this book last week for my dissertation, and not only is it informative, it is revealing, applicable, and one of the most powerful pieces on Black Women that I have yet to come across. From the "lily complex" to the "sisterella complex," from black sex to black relationships, from interracial dating to divorce to sex, to single motherhood and the church, to balancing a career, Black men, and Black children, this book just TAKES YOU THERE. I loved it! And plan on using this as a resource not only for my book, but for how I love my life.

(click the pic)

Hey Now Mr. Franco.

Your Welcome.

Say What Snaps?

A good friend of mine, SNAPS, posted to her blog the other day on a life changing event and came away from it with this FABULOUS quote:

"PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU AS WELL AS YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO THEM"

At this trying time in my life, this quote resonates with me so much that I almost shed a mothertruckin' tear when I read it! (Thanks Snaps, thanks-a-lot) SO anyway, this phrase can be applied to damn near any context that it is placed in, concerning relating to other people. Whether professionally, romantically, friendly, familially (likely not a word), whatever, I find that people treat you the way they see you. In my profession, working with severely chronic psychotic and mood disordered folk, this definitely applies. I treat my clients, and form a therapeutic relationship with them, based on how I see them, and vice versa. If they do not trust me, they will let me know, in their own way. If they trust me and depend on me for guidance, they will act like it. Mind you, these presentations wane depending on the situation of course. But, I digress.

In the context of societal influences, everyone treats others based on their own personal categorization of them; whether by race, creed, height, gender, eye color, location, swagger, anything. We all have these set schemas in our mind that guide us on how to live, based on what we've been through or what we've seen others go through.

Pretty self explanatory stuff, right?

If I've seen the likes of you before, whoever YOU are, I will act accordingly. If I've acted toward your like a certain way in the past and got burned, I will from here on out change my swag with your like. If I had a pleasant experience with "your like" before, again, I will act accordingly. By accordingly, I don't mean according to YOU, I mean, according to ME, and MY experiences.

Again, pretty simple stuff, right?

So, as I begin my two year dissertation project on Black male / Black female relationships, this quote is emblazoned in my mind. As black men and women navigate their way through their respective dating pools, moaning and groaning about what's not out there for them, looking on as more and more White folk their same age are tying the knot, starting families, building new lives, they need to keep this particular quote in mind.

While this quote is equal opportunity, I am especially talking to my Black female cohort. Men will continue to treat us, how we demand to be treated. Disclaimer: some men ARE in the art of taking advantage of women, and the stability and health of a relationship is dependent only upon the stability and health of EACH partner, so even if a woman presents themself in one way, they treat them in another. However, even in the case of someone taking advantage of another, only YOU decide how you will be treated and what you can and will put yourself through. While a tough decision to make when it comes to love, you know yourself best, and you know what you want / need in your relationships. But again, I digress.

If you present yourself as needy, dependent, looking for love, NEEDING a man's protection and affection to be happy, then...you will be treated as such, my dear. If you go into a relationship and give YOURSELF (which is all you got) up, trust, someone will TAKE YOU THERE. If you let men (or women) get away with the bullshit that you would gossip about if another girl were your the same situation, then change needs to be made. And introspection needs to take place. That, in itself, in letting shit go down, is presenting yourself, as willing to deal with it. And ladies, we seem to forget this time and time again. We are ALWAYS presenting ourselves to other people. And we have many different presentations. If you continually PRESENT as a woman who will suffer through abuse, neglect, disrespect, str8 up trash, then you WILL be treated as such! Sorry.

And this is not to blame anyone. Self-esteem is subjective, and our pride is a force to be reckoned with. However, IT'S ALL IN THE PRESENTATION OF SELF!

Please self-reflect. It's the only way that we, as a society, as a people, can make it.

A Special Thanks...

"When Ursa Corregidora is five years old and questions the truth of her great-grandmother's stories, her great-grandmother tells her, "I'm leaving evidence. And you got to leave evidence too. And your children got to leave evidence. And when it come time to hold up the evidence, we got to have evidence to hold up. That's why they burned all the papers, so there wouldn't be no evidence to hold up against them." Ursa's great-grandmother was raped and then used as a whore by her white slave owner, Corregidora, as was her daughter after her. Ursa had a black father, but her skin more closely resembles the color of Corregidora, the man who is both her grandfather and great-grandfather. Ostracized by darker-skinned women who resent the added value her light skin gives her among black men, and unable to trust any man, black or white, because of the stories she was raised on, Ursa Corregidora sings the blues and fights both the past and the present to maintain mental and physical autonomy. Internal monologues, dreams and remembered stories intermingle with present-day reality until it becomes difficult for the reader or Ursa to draw the lines between them, a task made doubly difficult when black men echo the proprietary attitudes (and sometimes words) of dead slave owners. Gritty and full of pain, a combination of snarl and moan, Corregidora presents a searing denunciation of racism and sexism in both white and black communities." - Erica Bauermeister

"Corregidora is the most brutally honest and painful revelation of what has occurred, and is occurring, in the souls of Black men and women."— James Baldwin

Now this book, which I read my senior year of college in my Black Women Writers course, touched me in so many ways, in so many places I never knew I could be moved...to tears, to joy, to anger, to happiness, to ACTION ~ a call for change for the Black woman, wherever she is.

a SPECIAL THANK YOU to Ms. Janis A. Mayes! You made it tough, but you DEFINITELY made it worth it!

Be Still, My Heart

(courtesy of YBF)

I don't care if these pics are old, and I don't know if these are T.I. or T.I.P., but I'm sure you ladies will agree that WHOEVA this may be, he is easy on the eyes...

Well, Hello There...

hot diggity dog!
what y'all know about this??