To Begin...From Here??

Long distance relationships man....never something I considered till I left the coast where my whole life was. Still not something I would ever go into whole heartedly thinking it would work, and that me and said ol' boy would be perfectly fine with it and be able to hang no problem.

Cuz unfortunately, I've developed trust issues this past year, and they ain't nothin but a bitch! Relationships are hard enough as it is in the same damn county, but would you start one with someone who was not near you?


Would you, could you, begin with absence?

I'm So Glad He Learned...

that braids are out for the grown Black man. Get it, boo!

so whether he learned on his own, or someone told him, it was a MUST to cut that hair! These other men learned their lessons, as well, also. And I'm sure their fan base grew with the new do's! Your hair is your crown....




don't y'all just FEEL more mature? Fresh? Clean? Freeeeeeeeee????

What are your thoughts on men in braids? Not locs, not dreads, but BRAIDS??

Just Cuz I Like It When He Says...

Mami el negro está rabioso

El quiere tu azúcar, y tu no se lo das
Esa morena está sabrosa
Y cuando tú la tocas, ella se vuelve loca


Don't know what the hell those words mean, but I do know how Pitbull makes me feel on the deep down inside when he says it...yum!

Gravely Inappropriate.

Does anyone else think that this is a little too much? love sex magic by Ciara, ft. Justin Timberlake. I've been hearing about the "graphic-ness" of this video for a while now, but never had a chance to catch it anywhere until a few days ago. And I was really shocked and borderline offended. Ciara, boo, stop. You don't need to do all that.

Or maybe you do? Sex sells, I guess. And you're voice surely isn't gonna help you in this recession. So, am I just being a hater then? I know Justin's also an actor, and has a significant other, so this may not be a big deal in that respect. I'd still be a lil tight though if I was Ms. Biel.



Just sayin'...

Spectacular?

Hey Boo.

Safe Sex!

Love During Sex

When people say "I love you, [insert correct name here, preferably]" during sex, do you believe them? Can you believe them?

What is it that makes people say some magic words during the act of intercourse? Does that make the sex (lovemaking) better? Have they said it to you outside of intercourse? Is there such a rush of emotion and feeling during sex, so many hormones being poured out into (and onto) the other person, that there will likely be these uncontrollable outbursts?

Sometimes, I think that people feel more love during sex than in any other aspect of their relationship. Can this be why so many ladies "give it up" to keep the man? Or feel as though he's the one because the sex is so good? Or maintain a relationship with a dude who's really not right because the game is SO good? (whether they realize this or not...) Because during this act is when they feel loved by someone the most?

Was it Usher who proposed to Chili during sex? (Someone let me know if I'm wrong.) But for real, can what is said during passionate love making be taken outside of the act itself? There are many instances of both appropriate and inappropriate words said during sex by both partners. Whether they are confessions of feelings, instructions on what to do, or raunchy words that border on sadochism/masochism.

So are we more likely to accept what is said in the heat of the moment?

Just thinkin on the keyboard...

Go On & Git It

OTB's Christmas WishList

Check him out ladies...Hill Harper (b. 1966), actor on CBS's CSI:NY (in the role of Dr. Sheldon Hawkes).

Born Francis Harper in Iowa City, Iowa, Mr. Harper was raised by his parents to be one of the FINEST men I have seen in my entire life. He graduated MAGNA CUM LAUDE from Brown University in Rhode Island, obtained his J.D. from Harvard Law School (how he knows good ol Barack!) as well as obtained his Masters in Public Administration from Harvard as well.

He was voted one of People's Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive in 2004 (what happened to the other years???) He has had numerous guest starring roles, however his most notable role is his current CSI:NY spot. He has also done Broadway y'all! Mr. Harper is also a full time member of Boston's Black Folk's Theatre Company, one of the oldest and most respected Black theater traveling troupes!

Mr. Harper has also written two books (and spoke to them on Oprah) - Letters to a Young Brother: MANifest Your Destiny for young Black males (also started a foundation by the same name) and Letters to a Young Woman: DeFINE Your Destiny.

Mr. Hill Harper, will you marry me?

Stolen Women: Reclaiming Our Sexuality

(pic courtesy of Amazon)

"Gail Elizabeth Wyatt's Stolen Women explores how body identities are often shaped by deeply rooted myths and cultural stereotypes. Tracing black women's body images and sexuality from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, Wyatt powerfully explains in her introduction that "to the degree that we allow our sexual self-image to be defined by others, we will remain, as our ancestors were, stolen women, captives not of strangers but of the past, and of our own unexamined experiences. The challenge we face is to see ourselves not as others see us or want us to be seen, but as we are, as we were, and as we want to be."

Wyatt, a Ph.D. and professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science at UCLA, explores the origins and hazards of these images through a psychiatric lens. Her use of case studies and behavioral research puts a human face on how these myths affect the development of young black women, and her careful analysis breaks down behavioral trends clearly and concisely. Black women are often seen in opposing sexual terms, either as completely nonsexual or perpetually sexually available. Wyatt fills in the gap between these two dangerous stereotypes, unpacking childhood messages about sex and exploring issues like how girls learn to be "ladies." She encourages all "stolen women" to regain control over their bodies from these external forces, allowing women to apply her work to their own lives and giving them the tools to break free, refusing to believe these painful myths are unchangeable." -- Amy Wan


So, I haven't finished this piece yet, but close to it. Dr. Wyatt looks at Black female sexuality from a historical, cultural and contemporary perspective. And...she does it RIGHT! Not only was I doing a lot of head nodding--I was writing in the margins, taking notes, talking about it with colleagues, friends, etc. This book has touched me. Similarly to Shifting (which I reviewed in an earlier post, Stolen Women looks at the lives of Black women today and how we have been affected by our past. how we have been raped, brutalized, exploited and stereotyped; and how we are still fighting this today.

As you may know, I'm real big on sex. But more importantly, I believe in having a healthy sexuality that you are able to express with whomever, whether this be through words, art, music, swag, or the act itself. Your sexuality is your own, and while people in your life do sometimes discourage it, and it may feel like it's been taken away from you due to low self esteem or trauma, but you own it! Big or small, short or tall, you are a sexual being, and whether you are sexually active or not, your sexuality is always a force to wreckon with, once you learn how to affirm it properly.

People will always try to label you, and as black women, we tend to be labeled as either promiscuous or asexual, never an in between combo of confident in ourselves and mature with our sexuality. So it IS our job to use it, and use it well!

Oh, and how awesome is it that Dr. Gail Wyatt a sex therapist?!?! Ahh, my idol. (for real though, I definitely plan on having a specialty along the lines)

Check this great read out ladies (black or white); I guarantee you'll learn about yourself, your peers, and your sexual power!

Git It.

Let's Talk About Sex!

Again, as any regular reader can tell, I am very much aware of my sexuality and very much into Black sexuality and its use as a definition of self. Below is something I wrote a little while ago, that I haven't had the chance to expand, but definitely will. Whether I choose to disseminate to a wider audience, we shall see. But for now...I give this, to you:

"I am no freak, but I definitely appreciate what I can bring to a sexual relationship with a man, and I appreciate what I can do for him. And vice versa...my sexuality is nothing I should be ashamed of...it's informative, it's educational, it's an art in itself. My pussy is a paintbrush, and with it I draw out my fantasies, your fantasies, our wants and needs that cannot be met by anyone else at this very moment...

So why should I blush when speaking about this subject? Why should I watch my words when I talk about what I want and need from a man, and what I want to give to him? Why should I be discrete when I talk about what pleases me sexually, and what I think or know pleases him in the same way?

Who says sex can't be talked about on a first date? I can ask you where you're from, what you do, all about your family and place of origin, trying to get a feel for your personality...yet how you express yourself in bed should be saved for date #4...We make ourselves so busy trying to find the love of lour lives...most of this confined to what we have in common, goals in life, general vibe between us. But let me tell you, if that "vibe" is not there when we have sex, then the rest of that pertinent information can go out of the window. The perfection of my mate includes our connection during sexual activity. Call me shallow, tell me I'm overlooking what's "important," but I'll tell you that you're overlooking and ignoring one of the most important aspects of our characters...

Expression comes in all forms, verbal and nonverbal. It's on my face, it's in my voice, it's in my swagger, it's in my look, it's in my touch. Oooh, my touch, my stroke, my gaze, my posture. Body language. And you know what my body says...

Your sexuality and the expression of it is just as important to me as your honesty, your intellect, or your relationship with the world...so why can't I know?

My sexuality is a threat. It is my weapon of choice against those who aren't willing or cannot go the distance with me. You can be shocked, you can be appalled, you can be disgusted, but without knowing who you are sexually, you are also lost, confused and delirious..."

Shifting

"Based on the African American Women's Voices Project, Shifting reveals that a large number of African American women feel pressure to compromise their true selves as they navigate America's racial and gender bigotry. Black women "shift." They change the expectations they have for themselves. Or they alter their outer appearance. They modify their speech. They shift 'white' as they head to work in the morning and 'black' as they come back home each night. They shift inward, internalizing the searing pain of the negative stereotypes that they encounter daily. And sometimes they shift by fighting back."

"With deeply moving interviews, poignantly revealed on each page, Shifting is a much-needed, clear, and comprehensive portrait of the reality of African American women's lives today."

I began reading this book last week for my dissertation, and not only is it informative, it is revealing, applicable, and one of the most powerful pieces on Black Women that I have yet to come across. From the "lily complex" to the "sisterella complex," from black sex to black relationships, from interracial dating to divorce to sex, to single motherhood and the church, to balancing a career, Black men, and Black children, this book just TAKES YOU THERE. I loved it! And plan on using this as a resource not only for my book, but for how I love my life.

(click the pic)

Say What Snaps?

A good friend of mine, SNAPS, posted to her blog the other day on a life changing event and came away from it with this FABULOUS quote:

"PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU AS WELL AS YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO THEM"

At this trying time in my life, this quote resonates with me so much that I almost shed a mothertruckin' tear when I read it! (Thanks Snaps, thanks-a-lot) SO anyway, this phrase can be applied to damn near any context that it is placed in, concerning relating to other people. Whether professionally, romantically, friendly, familially (likely not a word), whatever, I find that people treat you the way they see you. In my profession, working with severely chronic psychotic and mood disordered folk, this definitely applies. I treat my clients, and form a therapeutic relationship with them, based on how I see them, and vice versa. If they do not trust me, they will let me know, in their own way. If they trust me and depend on me for guidance, they will act like it. Mind you, these presentations wane depending on the situation of course. But, I digress.

In the context of societal influences, everyone treats others based on their own personal categorization of them; whether by race, creed, height, gender, eye color, location, swagger, anything. We all have these set schemas in our mind that guide us on how to live, based on what we've been through or what we've seen others go through.

Pretty self explanatory stuff, right?

If I've seen the likes of you before, whoever YOU are, I will act accordingly. If I've acted toward your like a certain way in the past and got burned, I will from here on out change my swag with your like. If I had a pleasant experience with "your like" before, again, I will act accordingly. By accordingly, I don't mean according to YOU, I mean, according to ME, and MY experiences.

Again, pretty simple stuff, right?

So, as I begin my two year dissertation project on Black male / Black female relationships, this quote is emblazoned in my mind. As black men and women navigate their way through their respective dating pools, moaning and groaning about what's not out there for them, looking on as more and more White folk their same age are tying the knot, starting families, building new lives, they need to keep this particular quote in mind.

While this quote is equal opportunity, I am especially talking to my Black female cohort. Men will continue to treat us, how we demand to be treated. Disclaimer: some men ARE in the art of taking advantage of women, and the stability and health of a relationship is dependent only upon the stability and health of EACH partner, so even if a woman presents themself in one way, they treat them in another. However, even in the case of someone taking advantage of another, only YOU decide how you will be treated and what you can and will put yourself through. While a tough decision to make when it comes to love, you know yourself best, and you know what you want / need in your relationships. But again, I digress.

If you present yourself as needy, dependent, looking for love, NEEDING a man's protection and affection to be happy, then...you will be treated as such, my dear. If you go into a relationship and give YOURSELF (which is all you got) up, trust, someone will TAKE YOU THERE. If you let men (or women) get away with the bullshit that you would gossip about if another girl were your the same situation, then change needs to be made. And introspection needs to take place. That, in itself, in letting shit go down, is presenting yourself, as willing to deal with it. And ladies, we seem to forget this time and time again. We are ALWAYS presenting ourselves to other people. And we have many different presentations. If you continually PRESENT as a woman who will suffer through abuse, neglect, disrespect, str8 up trash, then you WILL be treated as such! Sorry.

And this is not to blame anyone. Self-esteem is subjective, and our pride is a force to be reckoned with. However, IT'S ALL IN THE PRESENTATION OF SELF!

Please self-reflect. It's the only way that we, as a society, as a people, can make it.

A Special Thanks...

"When Ursa Corregidora is five years old and questions the truth of her great-grandmother's stories, her great-grandmother tells her, "I'm leaving evidence. And you got to leave evidence too. And your children got to leave evidence. And when it come time to hold up the evidence, we got to have evidence to hold up. That's why they burned all the papers, so there wouldn't be no evidence to hold up against them." Ursa's great-grandmother was raped and then used as a whore by her white slave owner, Corregidora, as was her daughter after her. Ursa had a black father, but her skin more closely resembles the color of Corregidora, the man who is both her grandfather and great-grandfather. Ostracized by darker-skinned women who resent the added value her light skin gives her among black men, and unable to trust any man, black or white, because of the stories she was raised on, Ursa Corregidora sings the blues and fights both the past and the present to maintain mental and physical autonomy. Internal monologues, dreams and remembered stories intermingle with present-day reality until it becomes difficult for the reader or Ursa to draw the lines between them, a task made doubly difficult when black men echo the proprietary attitudes (and sometimes words) of dead slave owners. Gritty and full of pain, a combination of snarl and moan, Corregidora presents a searing denunciation of racism and sexism in both white and black communities." - Erica Bauermeister

"Corregidora is the most brutally honest and painful revelation of what has occurred, and is occurring, in the souls of Black men and women."— James Baldwin

Now this book, which I read my senior year of college in my Black Women Writers course, touched me in so many ways, in so many places I never knew I could be moved...to tears, to joy, to anger, to happiness, to ACTION ~ a call for change for the Black woman, wherever she is.

a SPECIAL THANK YOU to Ms. Janis A. Mayes! You made it tough, but you DEFINITELY made it worth it!

Be Still, My Heart

(courtesy of YBF)

I don't care if these pics are old, and I don't know if these are T.I. or T.I.P., but I'm sure you ladies will agree that WHOEVA this may be, he is easy on the eyes...

Good Girl? Or Just Plain Stoopid...

So this post pertains to the ever-so-changing female role in relationships. Whether she be the good girl, the bad girl, or the woman in between. Whether she's faithful, a sinner, or just goes with the flow of the relationship. How do you tell if you (or someone else) is a "ride-or-die chick" or the girl in town who's getting played for a fool?

Let me begin by saying that there is no right or wrong answer. As in most situations, you gotta go with your gut, your mind or your heart. Can't no one tell you what you are, who you are, or how you do what you do. And DON'T let anyone do it, either! Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the hype of things; whether that's getting swooned by your favorite boy or girl, or going battle-axe because you feel like the town dunce. You decide, and you act accordingly.

HOWEVA, there are many times / circumstances that can easily lead to said confusion as to your role in your relationship. If you happen to be in that drama filled, always fighting, constantly accusatory relationship, something to think twice about is its worth. Again, this all depends what the drama is surrounding. Y'all got drama concerning a particular outsider or third-party-player that's making this game uncomfortable? Like ex-girlfriend /boyfriend, baby-mama / daddy drama? Decide your position. Y'all got legal drama that either mainly involves him / her or has now involved YOU??? Decide your position. Do you feel like without your effort, this relationship would without a doubt crumble? Decide your position.

While I don't want to say to get into what's being said about your relationship, I think it's a very important factor and plays a large role in the state of things sometimes. Not only is it important to know what people think about your relationship, but it's also important to know why some people feel a certain way. Now I ain't sayin poll your college campus on how good you and said partner look with each other and what people think you're dealing with behind closed doors, but your friends do hold valuable information in the way of what you miss because you're on the inside. Note: PROCEED WITH CAUTION ON THIS ONE...please try your best not to take what may or is being said about your relationship and run with it. EVERYTHING needs it's context! How do you feel in public with your partner? Are you confident? Can you defend your relationship without feeling like your making excuses for your current situation? Decide your position. Mark how you feel, and remember it. Because how you feel with ultimately decide your fate and how you play your role in this one. Does how you feel make you think "good girl" or "just plain stoopid?" If you were on the outside of this relationship, would you talk about yourself?

Now please don't front. We all talk about somebody. And we're all up in at least one person's relationship status, regardless of if we know their drama or not. If you knew yourself, and had information on your relationship from the outside, what would you be saying? Honestly. If you were your own friend (which we should all be!), what advice would you be giving? How would you be looking at yourself and your partner? Think about it...and feel it. No one wants to be that girl who everyone knows her business BUT her! No one wants to be embarassed.

Love. Sex. Conversation. Honesty. Respect. Some of the hallmarks of a good and productive relationship, right?. You got 'em? Or you feel like you gotta constantly pull for them? If one or two of them is missing, what about them is missing? If you have a lying partner, what are they lying about? Are they lying about whether they worked out today, or whether they hung out with their co-worker this afternoon? If the sex ain't where it's at, is this because there's too much emphasis on it by your partner, or that the passion is gone? Can you two talk? DO you two talk? These are ways you can decide your position. Both as an individual as as a partner in a romantic relationship.

That's as deep as I'll go with this one...just planting the seed for now. But remember that every circumstance you're placed in, you can decide how you play your role. Will you always be hte good girl? Or have you done yourself in by being just plain stoopid???