Random Recents

  • at what age do you get over your birthday? at what age do you NEED to get over your birthday?? (9.6.09)
  • this fall semester (last major hurdle) is gonna be like that last 15 minutes of labor (so i've heard)...push it out AY! get it DONE! (9.6.09)
  • it ain't right. it ain't fair. how i've been away from this site that i use partially as my outlet. but i'm back. and trying to make a schedule of sharing time. a lot has happened. let's see how much of it matters. (9.2.09)
  • is seduction still in? (7.26.09)
  • damn, i ain't been here in a minute! (7.26.09)
  • it's july 4th people, i know. great bbq day for all! but please, remember how we really colonized this mofo. with mass genocide. remember your history! (7.4.09)
  • speechless. don't think it's hit me yet. R.I.P. Ed, Farrah & Michael. this week is too much! (6.25.09)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

White Privilege

This piece was written by a white, university professor, who understands the double standards of the privilege in our nation.


This is Your Nation on White Privilege
By Tim Wise
9/13/08

For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who
are looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this
list will help.White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol
Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your
family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you
or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black
and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified
as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.
White privilege is when you can call yourself a "fuckin' redneck,"
like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone
messes with you, you'll "kick their fuckin' ass," and talk about how
you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a
responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather
than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six
years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of,
then returned to after making up some coursework at a community
college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to
achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as
unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first
place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town
smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state
with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island
of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people
don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S.
Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means
you're "untested."

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under
God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for
the founding fathers, it's good enough for me," and not be immediately
disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was
written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn't added until
the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and
terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you
used to teach at a prestigious law school, requires it), is a
dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make
people immediately scared of you.
White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an
extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the
Union, and whose motto is "Alaska first," and no one questions your
patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your
spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with
her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's
being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and
the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of
women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end
to child labor--and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if
you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month
governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in
college and the fact that she lives close to Russia--you're somehow
being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even
agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your
running mate anyway, because suddenly your presence on the ticket has
inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your
party a "second look."

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your
political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being
a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and
merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in
Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is when you can take nearly twenty-four hours to get
to a hospital after beginning to leak amniotic fluid, and still be
viewed as a great mom whose commitment to her children is
unquestionable, and whose "next door neighbor" qualities make her
ready to be VP, while if you're a black candidate for president and
you let your children be interviewed for a few seconds on TV, you're
irresponsibly exploiting them.

White privilege is being able to give a 36 minute speech in which you
talk about lipstick and make fun of your opponent, while laying out no
substantive policy positions on any issue at all, and still manage to
be considered a legitimate candidate, while a black person who gives
an hour speech the week before, in which he lays out specific policy
proposals on several issues, is still criticized for being too vague
about what he would do if elected.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose
pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize
George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly
Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian
theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who
say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for
rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you're just a good
church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black
pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of
Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign
policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on
black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by
a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you
such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give
one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging
the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to go to a prestigious prep school, then
to Yale and then Harvard Business school, and yet, still be seen as
just an average guy (George W. Bush) while being black, going to a
prestigious prep school, then Occidental College, then Columbia, and
then to Harvard Law, makes you "uppity," and a snob who probably looks
down on regular folks.

White privilege is being able to graduate near the bottom of your
college class (McCain), or graduate with a C average from Yale (W.)
and that's OK, and you're cut out to be president, but if you're black
and you graduate near the top of your class from Harvard Law, you
can't be trusted to make good decisions in office.

White privilege is being able to dump your first wife after she's
disfigured in a car crash so you can take up with a multi-millionaire
beauty queen (who you go on to call the c-word in public) and still be
thought of as a man of strong family values, while if you're black and
married for nearly twenty years to the same woman, your family is
viewed as un-American and your gestures of affection for each other
are called "terrorist fist bumps"

White privilege is being able to sing a song about bombing Iran and
still be viewed as a sober and rational statesman, with the maturity
to be president, while being black and suggesting that the U.S. should
speak with other nations, even when we have disagreements with them,
makes you "dangerously naive and immature."

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has
anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being
black and experiencing racism and an absent father is apparently among
the "lesser adversities" faced by other politicians, as Sarah Palin
explained in her convention speech.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly
allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W.
Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing,
people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is
increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters
aren't sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it's just too
vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which
is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Love Quote Time

"I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly." - Pablo Neruda

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Never Gets Old

definitely needed a "pick-me-upper" today...

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I Want It!


peep the look of a man in LOVE! (click the pics)

Be Still, My Heart




(courtesy of YBF)

I don't care if these pics are old, and I don't know if these are T.I. or T.I.P., but I'm sure you ladies will agree that WHOEVA this may be, he is easy on the eyes...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Too Fly For Me!


She is just DOIN' IT to me these days...

and lemme cop that knuckle ring!

(click the pic)


Take 'em to CHUUUUUUURRRRRCH!

This is Me, Today

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
-- Anon

Stand up and walk out of your history.
-- Phil McGraw

True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.
-- Author Unknown

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.
-- Author Unknown



I painfully and heartbreakingly let it go today...doing what we don't want to do now, so we can do what we need to do later...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

All About Syracuse

Based on the incredible true story, The Express follows the inspirational life of college football hero Ernie Davis (Rob Brown), the first African-American to win the Heisman Trophy. Following his draft by the NFL, tragedy struck the star athlete and he was never able to take the professional field. But his tale would forever change the face of professional sports.

Raised in poverty in the Southern Tier of New York State, Davis overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles to become an unstoppable running back for the Syracuse Orangemen. Under the guidance of coach Ben Schwartzwalder (Dennis Quaid)-a hard-nosed surrogate father with an obsession for winning a national, Davis would develop from an impressive high-school athlete into a legend.

While everyone agreed Ernie Davis was a miracle player, few thought this quiet young man would become an icon for the burgeoning civil rights movement dividing America in the early 1960s. Refusing to play by the unspoken racist rules of the day, Davis broke through one barrier after another to alter the way fans looked at men of his color.

Though struck a terrible blow in the prime of his life, his spirit soared when most would crumble. Forcing his bull-headed coach to re-examine a life lived in color-based privilege, Davis would join the ranks of black pioneers who inspired a movement that smashed barriers on and off the playing field. (taken from universalpictures.com)

October 10th!

Autobiography:

The autobiography of AY in 6 words:



"You only think you know me."



try it, folks!

Well, Hello There...




hot diggity dog!
what y'all know about this??

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Educated Broke...

I pay $1030 per credit in my doctoral program of 98 credits. Add this paying rent and living in a major city. Plus the cost of food.


Shit!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Watch Your Back!


When you feel something wrong, make a move on it folks! Nothing's more eerie than your intuition sometimes, y'all know that. And it's usually hard to explain. But when it comes to kleptomaniac roommates...move quick! I've heard too many stories of roommates that have overstepped their boundaries...whether it's theft of food, clothes, panties(ewww), money, shoes, PARTNERS, etc.

It's theft! Not "I thought it was mine," not "borrowing," not "I thought you didn't want it anymore," and NOT "how did that get there?" but theft! So if you find something of yours in someone else's possession, and you did not give them lawful permission to have said item(s), it's theft! And you need to assess the situation accordingly, appropriately, and in a timely fashion. Whether the thief gets reported, verbally confronted, duffed real quick, etc. It's unpredictable what people will do when they're caught, so always assess your safety as well...(click pic for more info)

Just a Lil Suspect....


now I'm typically not one to judge...my relationship wasn't expected and isn't the best...I have my ups, downs, ins, outs, irrational thinking patterns, illogical beliefs, everything you can think of...but WTF are YOU thinking Ms. Hudson??

Shit, hey, he may be a great guy, charming, pleasant, respectful...everyone needs a chance, right? She must see / feel something she likes / loves. Can't nobody tell her nothin' I guess. And y'all know how it goes, "the heart wants what it wants..." But we ALL need to take into consideration where people get their start, acting or not. Not judge, but take into consideration...

"I Love New York," J Hud? Any and EVERY part of that show is a bad look. A really. Bad. Look. Tiffany Pollard though?

Someone who (whether real or fake) got their Hollywood beginning with some Tiffany Pollard?

Tiffany Pollard? Womp. Womp. And an Ewww, You Naaaaasty...

I guess I just can't get over this. Is is because we all love Jennifer Hudson and how SHE got HER start? I dunno. I'm thinking, that whether this is Ms. Hudson or not, I'd feel the same way.

But hey, I guess we never know how people are looking at us and we all have different standards...

I guess I wish them the best? Which I really do, because I'd hate Hollywood to turn that talented girl out. Let's just see what happens!

I guess.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

:/

life is short. take time out to do what you love, and love what you do. (click pic for more info)

Good Girl? Or Just Plain Stoopid...

So this post pertains to the ever-so-changing female role in relationships. Whether she be the good girl, the bad girl, or the woman in between. Whether she's faithful, a sinner, or just goes with the flow of the relationship. How do you tell if you (or someone else) is a "ride-or-die chick" or the girl in town who's getting played for a fool?

Let me begin by saying that there is no right or wrong answer. As in most situations, you gotta go with your gut, your mind or your heart. Can't no one tell you what you are, who you are, or how you do what you do. And DON'T let anyone do it, either! Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the hype of things; whether that's getting swooned by your favorite boy or girl, or going battle-axe because you feel like the town dunce. You decide, and you act accordingly.

HOWEVA, there are many times / circumstances that can easily lead to said confusion as to your role in your relationship. If you happen to be in that drama filled, always fighting, constantly accusatory relationship, something to think twice about is its worth. Again, this all depends what the drama is surrounding. Y'all got drama concerning a particular outsider or third-party-player that's making this game uncomfortable? Like ex-girlfriend /boyfriend, baby-mama / daddy drama? Decide your position. Y'all got legal drama that either mainly involves him / her or has now involved YOU??? Decide your position. Do you feel like without your effort, this relationship would without a doubt crumble? Decide your position.

While I don't want to say to get into what's being said about your relationship, I think it's a very important factor and plays a large role in the state of things sometimes. Not only is it important to know what people think about your relationship, but it's also important to know why some people feel a certain way. Now I ain't sayin poll your college campus on how good you and said partner look with each other and what people think you're dealing with behind closed doors, but your friends do hold valuable information in the way of what you miss because you're on the inside. Note: PROCEED WITH CAUTION ON THIS ONE...please try your best not to take what may or is being said about your relationship and run with it. EVERYTHING needs it's context! How do you feel in public with your partner? Are you confident? Can you defend your relationship without feeling like your making excuses for your current situation? Decide your position. Mark how you feel, and remember it. Because how you feel with ultimately decide your fate and how you play your role in this one. Does how you feel make you think "good girl" or "just plain stoopid?" If you were on the outside of this relationship, would you talk about yourself?

Now please don't front. We all talk about somebody. And we're all up in at least one person's relationship status, regardless of if we know their drama or not. If you knew yourself, and had information on your relationship from the outside, what would you be saying? Honestly. If you were your own friend (which we should all be!), what advice would you be giving? How would you be looking at yourself and your partner? Think about it...and feel it. No one wants to be that girl who everyone knows her business BUT her! No one wants to be embarassed.

Love. Sex. Conversation. Honesty. Respect. Some of the hallmarks of a good and productive relationship, right?. You got 'em? Or you feel like you gotta constantly pull for them? If one or two of them is missing, what about them is missing? If you have a lying partner, what are they lying about? Are they lying about whether they worked out today, or whether they hung out with their co-worker this afternoon? If the sex ain't where it's at, is this because there's too much emphasis on it by your partner, or that the passion is gone? Can you two talk? DO you two talk? These are ways you can decide your position. Both as an individual as as a partner in a romantic relationship.

That's as deep as I'll go with this one...just planting the seed for now. But remember that every circumstance you're placed in, you can decide how you play your role. Will you always be hte good girl? Or have you done yourself in by being just plain stoopid???

Monday, September 15, 2008

Funny, Funny

SNL skit on Sarah Palin

this made my day!

How You Livin'?

"Hell has no wrath like a woman scorned..."

preeeeeeeeeach! Now I'm not gonna get all "sistah girl" with this one, but y'all know what this means...and what this means for you, him AND her...

So think first, people!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Frazzled.

1. The dissertation process has begun. I apparently have until August 10th, 2010 to basically...conduct a full blown study on my topic of choice, complete with a literature review, gather and drill human participants, obtain national and local approval, write out a methods, results,and discussion, and type about 150 clean pages of my effort.

2. 5 course load. Including Statistics, Neuropsychology and Family Therapy.

3. A relationship. Complete with nay-sayers, broke-ness and children. And lots of love...

4. Therapy practicum, complete with 8 individual clients and 6 group therapy sessions to run weekly. Psychotic, Personality Disordered individuals, and throw in some Mood Disorders why dontcha?

5. A long standing relationship with procrastination. I hate her. I love her. She increases my anxiety, while allowing me to sleep. She's my best friend and my nemesis.

6. A 17-20 hour a week job training students to working with families in the DCFS system; complete with abuse, neglect, mental illness and substance abuse. All the while editing 20-25 page reports (plural) weekly for courts. Gotta get paid!

7. A work-study position at school on Saturdays 8pm-5pm. Gotta get paid!

8. Bills.

9. Family.

10. Friends.

Bzzzzz....


Set in
South Carolina in 1964, The Secret Life of Bees tells the story of Lily Owens (Dakota Fanning), whose life has been shaped around the blurred memory of the afternoon her mother was killed. When Lily's fierce-hearted black "stand-in mother," Rosaleen (Jennifer Hudson), insults three of the deepest racists in town, Lily decides to spring them both free. They escape to Tiburon, South Carolina - a town that holds the secret to her mother's past. Taken in by an eccentric trio of black beekeeping sisters, Lily is introduced to their mesmerizing world of bees and honey, and the Black Madonna.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

When Boyfriends Have Babies...

So what do you do when your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend gives birth to their child?

You DRINKITTUP.

And wait for the ride of your life to begin.

This Is Not Like You, AY.

I cried in front of a white man yesterday morning.

What the FUCK is going on with her? (you might ask, or I am still asking myself...)

And I mean, this wasn't just any white man. He is my externship supervisor and an extraordinary therapist, I must say. (As was evidenced in my weekly supervision.)

Does it matter what I cried about? A little.
Does it matter who I cried to? Maybe.
Does it matter that I cried? HELL YES!


I will say that I tried, for at least 30 damn minutes, to hold the tears back, to look in a different direction, to talk about an aspect of the subject that didn't make me feel inadequate, incompetent, petty, unprofessional...but this man is GOOD! He really and truly, and quite aware to me at the time, conducted a therapy session.

Am I comfortable with this? No. Am I against the process that we went through for 60 minutes? Not at all.

Crying=Vulnerable.
Crying=Weak.
Crying=Bitch
Crying=Pussy Ass.
Crying=Wack.

So, as I've learned during my life, I try not to cry. Because I need to show that world that I'm this strong black woman, professional, unemotional, neva-let-no-nigga-or-bitch-see-me-sweat, type of female. And I usually succeed. HOWEVA, since being in a relationship, THIS relationship, crying is so necessary. Crying became special to me. Crying was warranted, on every occasion that I did it. Crying let him know, and me know, that this is real, that this is serious, that this needs to be handled.

Now what did crying teach me yesterday with my supervisor?

That I can be emotional. That I'm allowed to react to things. That my clients are not the only important people in the room who are processing the effects of trauma, abuse, and mental illness (among other things). That I hold emotion strongly. That yes, I'm grown, and I'm professional, but that doesn't mean that I'm invisible and stoic.

That I'm human. And that everything in my last post is so real and so true to me, that I should have cried earlier. That I've been punishing myself by not crying, not breaking down, not questioning my ability to hold myself and 8 clients up...

That I'm about to be a "bomb ass psychologist" (as quoted by one of my clients).

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Lucky Number 8.

I have 8 clients. 8 adults that I see once a week, twice if needed. 8 life stories. 8 minds. 8 struggles. 8 perspectives. 8 mental illnesses (exacerbated by co-morbid illnesses) 8 people who need me. 8 people who depend on me. 8 people who look to me for guidance. 8 people who look to me for approval. 8 people who, if I falter, are likely to fall apart.

8 stories to remember. 8 stories I'll never forget. 8 lives that parallel mine, in good ways and bad. 8 entities that I have to sustain for the next 10 months. 8 people who I need to reassure not to hurt themselves, or someone else. 8 people who I'm just trying to keep alive.

8 stories that I carry with me everyday. 8 lives that I sleep with at night. 8 struggles/passions/regrets that I must work through, 8 times a week, and on my own as I try to live my life. 8 lives that intrude my daily activities, ability to cope, ability to sleep and ability to move on.

8 people that I've built a relationship with. 8 people that I've grown close to. 8 people that I've grown to love (ethically & professionally, of course). 8 stories that consistently and constantly affect my 1 story.

lucky number fucking 8.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Why Blog?

Good question.

Why feel the need to blog when I have friends, family, associates and acquaintances that I can share my life with? Why feel the need to blog, when I can write in a journal? Why feel the need to put this life of mine on blast to strangers, friends, uncommitted stalkers, etc.?

Why, Why, Why?

I had another blog, on Xanga, for years. Something that I, as in real life, was not ready to be committed to. I would post every now and then, typically saying that I'm too busy to blog, or doing one of those long surveys to keep my "Xangans" coming back. I closed down one Xanga page, to open up another page soon after. For some reason, I just could NOT stay away from this form of expression.

What does blogging do for you, OTB?

Because with as many friends, family, associates, and acquaintances I have, including an amazing boyfriend, I am inevitably alone. And as many stories as I tell, as many different ways I can tell them, I realized that I'm not here for people to understand. It took me some time to get hip to the fact that I am difficult, can be complicated, fabulous, unsure, self-righteous, uneasy at times, selfish, bored, spiteful, hilarious, unhappy, misguided, silly, and lazy; for absolutely no reason at all.

And I do not have to explain a damn thing to a blog. Any blog. Or any blogger or commenter. This is my shit. I do what I want with it. I have control over this; the control that I apparently do not have in my "real life." I can control my settings, my labels, my emotions, and my expressions. I can be brutally honest, tender, critical, empathic, and raunchy as I care to; ways that I cannot always be off the computer, and especially not in my field of study/career choice. So, that's why I blog. To get back to me. Not the woman you see on the train/bus everyday going to class, work, or practicum. Not the woman you sit in a room with for 55 minutes every week and discuss the flaws that render you dysfunctional according to Western society. Not the woman making exceptional statements in classroom settings, and facilitating the coalition of Black psychologists in training in the Chicagoland area. Not the woman you see at Chase bank every 2 weeks depositing her check. And not the woman you see every Sunday morning having brunch alone at Rodan, sitting by the window. That's YOUR me. And to limit me to the one capacity you happen to see me in, however regular it is, diminishes my everything.

unconditional and unapologetic.