I Must Admit. But Only Here. And Only Now.

While I may never say this outside of this blog post, or blog atmosphere, I really do think that I went into college 6 years ago looking for love. I went to Syracuse University "single, sexy & free," waiting to make friends, go to parties, and get my life together and on the right track. I met as many people as I could the first few months, guys and girls.

Went to EVERY SINGLE Schine party (glad I got over that by junior year), dressin scantily clad, shakin that ass, and givin/takin numbers. Did I ever think I was going to find my soul mate at a dance party? Nah. I just wanted some options.

And attention. Which I got. Not a little attention; not a lot of attention; but just enough to keep me thinking that I was in control of things, and had something to offer.

Well, boy did I think I found TRUE love one month into my college experience! (not saying it doesn't happen, just quite rare)!! He was an athlete (ahem), from Jersey (like me) and had a sense of humor that matched mine almost perfectly. Body of a GOD, great smile, nice teeth; smart (although that wasn't noticed by others because black athletes on big college campuses are disenfranchised enough to believe that they don't need to be smart, they only need to be tough and get into a league)...but I digress. Everything was just right! So where did it go wrong? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

I'll tell you. I went wrong in thinking that my hidden want/need for love and that perfect college relationship was what he wanted too. I went wrong in thinking that the way I felt for him was completely evident to him, and that in seeing how I felt for him, would prove to him that he wanted and needed to be with me. I was wrong in thinking that just because I was in that place in my life (or thought I was), that he would GET there soon enough to make this work.

wrong. Wrong. WRONG!

Not only did I make the mistake of actively searching for a relationship (somewhat unconsciously), I felt that I NEEDED a relationship (or what felt like a relationship behind closed doors but not outside the apt) to be happy, to feel validated, to separate myself from other women on campus doing their "thing" in a not so solid and safe fashion. I felt that being in a relationship would complete me, when I really should have been waiting patiently for something that COMPLIMENTED me. So, I waited. But was I waiting on any ol body? No. I was waiting for HIM. I put the ball in his court, to come to where he and I both knew he needed to be, which was with me. (Y'all, I was so crazy, I still can't believe I'm talking about this) I gave him all the options in the world, while limiting myself. He could see me when he wanted to; talk to me when he was able to; get it in when he had some free time after pratice or late after bar hoppin on Marshall Street...and I was good wit it! I was OK with that arrangement because I just knew deep down that he would see. He would realize. He would come to me. I was smart, sexy, sassy, consistent, confident...but therein lies my mistake. I was so gassed on my OWN ability to never fall into an unhealthy situation, that I was blind sided. I can't blame any of this on him. Sure, he didn't do what I wanted him to do; sure he didn't treat me as I felt he should have. But I let that shit happen. I presented myself as a woman who allowed that type of inconsistent behavior. So, why was I really expecting more?

Well, did he come to me? Did I get my college sweetheart story? Hahaha, well, I didn't get the story, but he did come to me. About 2-3 years too late. He came to me at a time that I WAS stronger, a time that I realized my self-worth adn vowed to speak up sooner than later when dealing with men. He came to me when I was no longer hurt, no longer mad, but appreciated what he taught me about myself. He came to me when he realized that he did have a good thing (when he had it) and wanted to show me that he has changed and realized the errors in his ways. So, I'm content that he came. And I'm content that I was able to express, 3 years after the fact, what I was looking for and why, and how he has had a large part in shaping my character with regards to relationships.

But 6 years later...a little wiser and a lot more true to myself, I need to accept what I am and how I feel.

I love, I yearn to find true love, and I want that fairytale story. I want the big wedding, I want the relationship that others wish they had. And upon finding this love, which was not as fairytale as I had hoped, and with more drama than I could handle, I realize that the love that I'm looking for will not come in that cookie cutter package that I thought everyone's would eventually come in.

The love I have, the love I know, the love I feel, isn't even with someone I'm in a relationship with. But it came. Not when I was looking for it. And not how I was looking for it. But when I needed it. And HOW I needed it. So it's here. And it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon.

But just knowing that I feel it, that I have the capacity to feel it, that someone else can feel that way for me, and that this shit is real, is really all I've been looking for.