Long distance relationships man....never something I considered till I left the coast where my whole life was. Still not something I would ever go into whole heartedly thinking it would work, and that me and said ol' boy would be perfectly fine with it and be able to hang no problem.
Cuz unfortunately, I've developed trust issues this past year, and they ain't nothin but a bitch! Relationships are hard enough as it is in the same damn county, but would you start one with someone who was not near you?
Would you, could you, begin with absence?
Showing posts with label psyche. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psyche. Show all posts
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Parental vs. Rude...When Does it Become NOT OK?
Now, my parents are Guyanese, and with all that West Indian history, comes a whole lotta nonsense that only few of my friends understand. There are a lot of behaviors that my parents have that I have learned to excuse 1) because I couldn't say shit, cuz....duh, they're my parents and 2) because I didn't realize that alot of parents are NOT like them. Of course, they share many characteristics of most parents, but there are these just...unexplainable traits of West Indian parents are are so rooted, I wouldn't even know where to begin to address some of them.
One thing that I've come to notice, and have heard from other friends with non-American parents, is the tyrant mindframe of our fathers. Again, this is something that I have just become very accustomed to, but it has begun to really boil my water and place a further gap between me and this man (my father). Granted, men in general, many cultures, are born and bred differently to be this all powerful, no nonsense, unquestionable forces that rule with an iron fist. But in the West Indian culture, what I notice also is such a lack of compromise, and lack of even trying to understand another point of view, ESPECIALLY if it's more "American/Yankee." But honestly, he is just so damn rude! No tact. Complete disregard for my feelings. Dismissive. Tyrannical. Critical.
I mean, love the man with my all, but sometimes...I just feel like he goes too far, and does this, because he knows he can, and has been allowed to do so by everyone in my family (my brother tries to go hard at him sometimes, tho, guess it's a guy thing). Things as personal as romantic relationships (he's only been privy to one, my most recent, which he was not a fan of, and had no problem informing me of this), he felt/feels the need to make inappropriate jokes and say hurtful things. Is this to gauge my true feelings? Is this to drive whatever point he has, home? Is this just for me to react?
And how bad is it that I've learned to just ignore him? In one, out the other. (or so it seems) That can't be healthy right? With family? The ease with which I brush his hurtful words off my shoulder? No, not healthy, but damn sure protective.
Do you have those people in your life who get under your skin, but for whatever reason, you never address it?
Just a thought.
One thing that I've come to notice, and have heard from other friends with non-American parents, is the tyrant mindframe of our fathers. Again, this is something that I have just become very accustomed to, but it has begun to really boil my water and place a further gap between me and this man (my father). Granted, men in general, many cultures, are born and bred differently to be this all powerful, no nonsense, unquestionable forces that rule with an iron fist. But in the West Indian culture, what I notice also is such a lack of compromise, and lack of even trying to understand another point of view, ESPECIALLY if it's more "American/Yankee." But honestly, he is just so damn rude! No tact. Complete disregard for my feelings. Dismissive. Tyrannical. Critical.
I mean, love the man with my all, but sometimes...I just feel like he goes too far, and does this, because he knows he can, and has been allowed to do so by everyone in my family (my brother tries to go hard at him sometimes, tho, guess it's a guy thing). Things as personal as romantic relationships (he's only been privy to one, my most recent, which he was not a fan of, and had no problem informing me of this), he felt/feels the need to make inappropriate jokes and say hurtful things. Is this to gauge my true feelings? Is this to drive whatever point he has, home? Is this just for me to react?
And how bad is it that I've learned to just ignore him? In one, out the other. (or so it seems) That can't be healthy right? With family? The ease with which I brush his hurtful words off my shoulder? No, not healthy, but damn sure protective.
Do you have those people in your life who get under your skin, but for whatever reason, you never address it?
Just a thought.
Monday, June 8, 2009
He's Back.
and he's saving my psyche as I part ways with the 08'09 "in a relationship" AY. I listen to it as if my ex is saying/singing this to me (which he has), letting me do what I need to do. Just perfect.
Maxwell is coming to shake the neo-soul world again like he did 7 years ago. July 7th, 2009, the first installment of his 3-part album, BlacksSummersNight, drops in stores.
And I will be there to catch it!
Maxwell is coming to shake the neo-soul world again like he did 7 years ago. July 7th, 2009, the first installment of his 3-part album, BlacksSummersNight, drops in stores.
And I will be there to catch it!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Step-Mom?
This was a draft post that I meant to complete when I had a significant other. Well, scratch that. I still have have a significant other; we are just no longer in a "relationship," for all intensive purposes of how folks choose to use that word. However, the title of this post no longer applies to my current sitcha-ation. However I'll speak on it anyway as a brief learning lesson for me, and something that many men and women need to think about these days when dating.
At one point in my life, a very short time ago, I considered being a mother. Fortunately for me, this motherhood did not involve a stretched out belly, morning sickness or cravings. This motherhood would have been a secondary bond, between myself and my boyfriend's children, if we were to get serious enough for me to be a regular part of their lives. But many factors were obstacles.
1. I'm not ready to be no one's mother. I'm not ready financially, emotionally, physically or mentally. Not that I can't be a role model, but, a mother? That's alot on the plate.
2. I don't have the time to be no one's mother. Granted, many women who become mothers have had to make the time for motherhood due to circumstances. But, seeing as how this is not something I have to do because of my physically growing girth, nah. My time is devoted to school and procrastination. And even being with his children for a short time did take away from things that I needed to be doing. However, I put in the effort, and I do not regret testing the waters, even if only for a few hours at a time.
3. I can't be no one's mother, if you NEED me to be a stepmom. Much different if you are a parent who is dating around, and you happen to fall in love with someone and you get serious enough to consider the role, and its discussed amongst you two, etc. You are able to handle your own as a single parent, or in a successful co-parenting relationship. HOWEVA, if you are dating, in order, however subconsciously, to find this step parent that you so need to help you in the role of parenting? There is going to be a problem. Even if I was in the position to be a step-parent, let's think about the pressure now placed on the relationship when I start dating you AND your children immediately.
Now, once upon a time, this was a rare issue that people who were dating had to deal with. Or, this was something that older couples had to deal with, after years of being with a partner, or being married, with a later divorce, and dating/remarriage. Bring in the Brady Bunch. But nowadays, people are having children much younger, and having MORE children, and unfortunately, more than likely out of wedlock. Or about to be in wedlock because of said pregnancy, or wedlock that isn't lasting long.
So step-parenting is definitely a new wave in the future in the lives of young couples. Actually, it's already here. It's easy to say "I won't date anyone with children," and it's also very understandable, as a means of cutting out the high potential for drama, and added stress of children in the mix of getting to know someone more intimately.
But...how reasonable is this is today's society to avoid even feeling someone, who has a child? Is it fair? To you, to block out a growing number of potential lovers and relationships? How fair is this, to those who have children and are single, that they may be classified as "undateable?" I've learned that I once thought was a preference, and circumstances that were must haves in relatinoships for me, really are not. My ex was the epitome of everything I said I did NOT want in a man (including having children), except for the love, adoration, mutual bond, ability to connect, sex life, humor, and level of comfort, etc. that he also came with. So can I say I wouldn't date someone who has children, after these most recent experiences and complications due to such?
Nope. I would do it again in a heartbeat. For me, it's not about the children; it's not about the children's mother(s). It's about how you handle the children, and their mother(s), in relation to your current relationship. So, yes, I'd do it again. I'd just do it differently.
At one point in my life, a very short time ago, I considered being a mother. Fortunately for me, this motherhood did not involve a stretched out belly, morning sickness or cravings. This motherhood would have been a secondary bond, between myself and my boyfriend's children, if we were to get serious enough for me to be a regular part of their lives. But many factors were obstacles.
1. I'm not ready to be no one's mother. I'm not ready financially, emotionally, physically or mentally. Not that I can't be a role model, but, a mother? That's alot on the plate.
2. I don't have the time to be no one's mother. Granted, many women who become mothers have had to make the time for motherhood due to circumstances. But, seeing as how this is not something I have to do because of my physically growing girth, nah. My time is devoted to school and procrastination. And even being with his children for a short time did take away from things that I needed to be doing. However, I put in the effort, and I do not regret testing the waters, even if only for a few hours at a time.
3. I can't be no one's mother, if you NEED me to be a stepmom. Much different if you are a parent who is dating around, and you happen to fall in love with someone and you get serious enough to consider the role, and its discussed amongst you two, etc. You are able to handle your own as a single parent, or in a successful co-parenting relationship. HOWEVA, if you are dating, in order, however subconsciously, to find this step parent that you so need to help you in the role of parenting? There is going to be a problem. Even if I was in the position to be a step-parent, let's think about the pressure now placed on the relationship when I start dating you AND your children immediately.
Now, once upon a time, this was a rare issue that people who were dating had to deal with. Or, this was something that older couples had to deal with, after years of being with a partner, or being married, with a later divorce, and dating/remarriage. Bring in the Brady Bunch. But nowadays, people are having children much younger, and having MORE children, and unfortunately, more than likely out of wedlock. Or about to be in wedlock because of said pregnancy, or wedlock that isn't lasting long.
So step-parenting is definitely a new wave in the future in the lives of young couples. Actually, it's already here. It's easy to say "I won't date anyone with children," and it's also very understandable, as a means of cutting out the high potential for drama, and added stress of children in the mix of getting to know someone more intimately.
But...how reasonable is this is today's society to avoid even feeling someone, who has a child? Is it fair? To you, to block out a growing number of potential lovers and relationships? How fair is this, to those who have children and are single, that they may be classified as "undateable?" I've learned that I once thought was a preference, and circumstances that were must haves in relatinoships for me, really are not. My ex was the epitome of everything I said I did NOT want in a man (including having children), except for the love, adoration, mutual bond, ability to connect, sex life, humor, and level of comfort, etc. that he also came with. So can I say I wouldn't date someone who has children, after these most recent experiences and complications due to such?
Nope. I would do it again in a heartbeat. For me, it's not about the children; it's not about the children's mother(s). It's about how you handle the children, and their mother(s), in relation to your current relationship. So, yes, I'd do it again. I'd just do it differently.
Monday, May 4, 2009
What Have I Been Up To...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3pC0hRyBK4
Too bad I couldn't embed this...YouTube is getting slick ad disabling the feature!
Chrisette said it. And she said it at the right time...in the right way....
Too bad I couldn't embed this...YouTube is getting slick ad disabling the feature!
Chrisette said it. And she said it at the right time...in the right way....
Friday, February 13, 2009
February 14th, Whenever.
So this year I have a "Valentine." Not someone I chose to be my Valentine, or someone who asked me to be their Valentine. But someone, who by definition, has been labeled as such. This someone, being my wonderful, knuckle-headed, sweet and absolutely imperfect boyfriend.
So, what does February 14th, (tomorrow) mean to me? Not much. So, why are we not celebrating? Good question. A question that, while he is ecstatic that I'm fine not celebrating and is happy to know that no money shall be spent on this Hallmark Holiday, still makes him wonder, "What is wrong with this chick to not want to celebrate the day that was made specifically for her, and more specifically for her, when she's in a relationship? What did I do wrong?"
Awww, boo, you did nothing wrong. My problem, my issue, my concern, is with what this holiday represents and says to all who indulge, and those who don't indulge. I mean, the cliche way to approach this is to say that this holiday should be moot because romantic love should be celebrated EVERY day. Sure. That's fine. I get it. But why is something the matter when I've been "given" something that's always been a fad and wanted by eveyrone (unless you're on the Schizophrenic spectrum), and I'm just kickin it??
Here's why. Honestly, I don't celebrate romantic love everyday. Should I be? No doubt it's one of the most surreal experiences I've ever entertained in my life, and I'm grateful to have run into it at least once, but should it really always be celebrated? Because, in fact, this man pisses me off sometimes. He makes me mad, to the point where "love" is not the topic, and I'm spittin hot fire at his neck. Love, in and of itself, is tiring. It's takes time, energy, emotion, etc. It's not all gravy, it's not all nice, and while it's been my best life experience, it's also been my worst, and will indeed likely lead to some detriment in my life.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't love love. I wouldn't trade it, I promise you. And I'd go through all the shit I've already been through, to get to where I am in my journey to love. But...have we been putting love on too high of a pedestal? For those of us who have it, or had it, or long for it, or need it, or think they may have had it...the answer may be no. But what about those thousands and possibly millions of people that haven't had the chance? What does Valentine's Day say to them? "Awww, maybe next year you'll reach this quinessential peak of life..." That ain't even right...
I really don't know where I was going with this one...I'm just annoyed by the sea of read and pink I'm seeing all over the place, as well as sick of people asking people what I'm doing and where I'm going, then seeing their disgruntled and confused faces when I tell them that I'll be studying and playing PS2 with the boy.
Ah well. So much for the popular way to love.
So, what does February 14th, (tomorrow) mean to me? Not much. So, why are we not celebrating? Good question. A question that, while he is ecstatic that I'm fine not celebrating and is happy to know that no money shall be spent on this Hallmark Holiday, still makes him wonder, "What is wrong with this chick to not want to celebrate the day that was made specifically for her, and more specifically for her, when she's in a relationship? What did I do wrong?"
Awww, boo, you did nothing wrong. My problem, my issue, my concern, is with what this holiday represents and says to all who indulge, and those who don't indulge. I mean, the cliche way to approach this is to say that this holiday should be moot because romantic love should be celebrated EVERY day. Sure. That's fine. I get it. But why is something the matter when I've been "given" something that's always been a fad and wanted by eveyrone (unless you're on the Schizophrenic spectrum), and I'm just kickin it??
Here's why. Honestly, I don't celebrate romantic love everyday. Should I be? No doubt it's one of the most surreal experiences I've ever entertained in my life, and I'm grateful to have run into it at least once, but should it really always be celebrated? Because, in fact, this man pisses me off sometimes. He makes me mad, to the point where "love" is not the topic, and I'm spittin hot fire at his neck. Love, in and of itself, is tiring. It's takes time, energy, emotion, etc. It's not all gravy, it's not all nice, and while it's been my best life experience, it's also been my worst, and will indeed likely lead to some detriment in my life.
Now, I'm not saying that I don't love love. I wouldn't trade it, I promise you. And I'd go through all the shit I've already been through, to get to where I am in my journey to love. But...have we been putting love on too high of a pedestal? For those of us who have it, or had it, or long for it, or need it, or think they may have had it...the answer may be no. But what about those thousands and possibly millions of people that haven't had the chance? What does Valentine's Day say to them? "Awww, maybe next year you'll reach this quinessential peak of life..." That ain't even right...
I really don't know where I was going with this one...I'm just annoyed by the sea of read and pink I'm seeing all over the place, as well as sick of people asking people what I'm doing and where I'm going, then seeing their disgruntled and confused faces when I tell them that I'll be studying and playing PS2 with the boy.
Ah well. So much for the popular way to love.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Love During Sex
When people say "I love you, [insert correct name here, preferably]" during sex, do you believe them? Can you believe them?
What is it that makes people say some magic words during the act of intercourse? Does that make the sex (lovemaking) better? Have they said it to you outside of intercourse? Is there such a rush of emotion and feeling during sex, so many hormones being poured out into (and onto) the other person, that there will likely be these uncontrollable outbursts?
Sometimes, I think that people feel more love during sex than in any other aspect of their relationship. Can this be why so many ladies "give it up" to keep the man? Or feel as though he's the one because the sex is so good? Or maintain a relationship with a dude who's really not right because the game is SO good? (whether they realize this or not...) Because during this act is when they feel loved by someone the most?
Was it Usher who proposed to Chili during sex? (Someone let me know if I'm wrong.) But for real, can what is said during passionate love making be taken outside of the act itself? There are many instances of both appropriate and inappropriate words said during sex by both partners. Whether they are confessions of feelings, instructions on what to do, or raunchy words that border on sadochism/masochism.
So are we more likely to accept what is said in the heat of the moment?
Just thinkin on the keyboard...
What is it that makes people say some magic words during the act of intercourse? Does that make the sex (lovemaking) better? Have they said it to you outside of intercourse? Is there such a rush of emotion and feeling during sex, so many hormones being poured out into (and onto) the other person, that there will likely be these uncontrollable outbursts?
Sometimes, I think that people feel more love during sex than in any other aspect of their relationship. Can this be why so many ladies "give it up" to keep the man? Or feel as though he's the one because the sex is so good? Or maintain a relationship with a dude who's really not right because the game is SO good? (whether they realize this or not...) Because during this act is when they feel loved by someone the most?
Was it Usher who proposed to Chili during sex? (Someone let me know if I'm wrong.) But for real, can what is said during passionate love making be taken outside of the act itself? There are many instances of both appropriate and inappropriate words said during sex by both partners. Whether they are confessions of feelings, instructions on what to do, or raunchy words that border on sadochism/masochism.
So are we more likely to accept what is said in the heat of the moment?
Just thinkin on the keyboard...
Sunday, December 21, 2008
In Control.
I'm not the best person in the world. I'm not the nicest person in the world. In fact, I have numerous faults. Some that I'm ashamed of, some that I've tried to hide, some that I've learned to live with, some I try to ignore, and some I've tried to chop down. Sometimes my morals are non-existent, and I'm not always a lady. My smile is typically plastered on my face, and I tend to analyze any and everything that you say or do.
Sometimes I curse, and sometimes I'm irrational. Sometimes I get mad at the wrong person, and I don't apologize. Sometimes I'm very spiteful when I feel as though I've been wronged.
I can't cook that well, and if you really give a damn about that for wife purposes, you should look elsewhere. I also don't clean as regularly as I should. My place is frequently a mess, and I tend to clean when I'm about to have company, or when I get pissed that I can't find something that I'm looking for.
I don't pay all of my bills on time every month and I'm not great at saving. I don't always do my homework. I procrastinate like a professional. Sometimes I'm a bad friend. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite. Hey, sometimes I'm a straightup and downright bitch. And while I know this, don't you dare come out of your mouth and call me on it.
Sometimes I'm passive aggressive because I feel like being outwardly mean will cause a confrontation. Leading to, sometimes I'm a punk. Sometimes I start arguments just to win, and sometimes I start arguments with you to prove that you care. Sometimes I point out flaws in others as a way of denying them in myself.
Sometimes I act like the "typical" girl and sometimes I act like the "typical" dude. I get emotional, and know the perfect way to be a brat to get my way. Sometimes I'm rude to you, and don't really give a damn, no matter how much your feelings have been hurt.
My hair isn't always done, and I don't shower twice a day. Or every day for that matter. Sometimes I don't do laundry for months, until I'm down to bikini bottoms or washing old underwear by hand to wear the next day. Sometimes I pick my nose, and if there is no tissue handy, I "roll and blow." I don't act like an adult all the time, and my maturity wavers.
I've fallen for men for the wrong reason. I've had sex for the wrong reason. I've put myself in situations where all I could do is lose, but I just knew in my heart that I should win. I've conducted myself in ways that my mother would not be proud of. I've done things that my father would cringe at. And my brother and sister? Basically, they know very little about me.
I don't tell my friends everything and I've lied to all of them before at least once. Sometimes, the truth doesn't always come out and honesty is not always the best policy. I've hurt other women before to get what I want from a man, knowingly and unknowingly. My eyebrows are not always done, and if you saw my feet right now, you'd call the police. Sometimes I try too hard to get attention, just to prove that I still got it, and sometimes I shy away from attention for fear that I won't get any. I'm insecure on the occasion about my weight, size, height and intellectual capabilities. And sometimes I think that I won't be a good therapist.
Some of these things, I'm in control of. Some of this, I'm not. This is all to say, that with all of my flaws, I am still unconditionally in love with myself. I am generally proud of my accomplishments, and I am in love with the way that I love people. Many of these things about me will never change. While I do have some regrets, they have all taught me more about myself and the way that I choose to interact with others. I still sometimes conduct myself in ways that I'm not proud of, but being older, and being wiser, these are decisions that I have chosen to make, to try to secure my happiness in whatever area of my life. Whether I get what I want or get bit in the ass, the choices are mine now, and no longer a consequence of not knowing any better.
I'm in control of my life enough now to follow my mind only when I want to, and to follow my heart when I feel like I need to. The importance of this balance has just been realized, and although I may never get it right, I am comfortable and confident enough in myself to know that it would only be wrong to do it any other way.
Sometimes I curse, and sometimes I'm irrational. Sometimes I get mad at the wrong person, and I don't apologize. Sometimes I'm very spiteful when I feel as though I've been wronged.
I can't cook that well, and if you really give a damn about that for wife purposes, you should look elsewhere. I also don't clean as regularly as I should. My place is frequently a mess, and I tend to clean when I'm about to have company, or when I get pissed that I can't find something that I'm looking for.
I don't pay all of my bills on time every month and I'm not great at saving. I don't always do my homework. I procrastinate like a professional. Sometimes I'm a bad friend. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite. Hey, sometimes I'm a straightup and downright bitch. And while I know this, don't you dare come out of your mouth and call me on it.
Sometimes I'm passive aggressive because I feel like being outwardly mean will cause a confrontation. Leading to, sometimes I'm a punk. Sometimes I start arguments just to win, and sometimes I start arguments with you to prove that you care. Sometimes I point out flaws in others as a way of denying them in myself.
Sometimes I act like the "typical" girl and sometimes I act like the "typical" dude. I get emotional, and know the perfect way to be a brat to get my way. Sometimes I'm rude to you, and don't really give a damn, no matter how much your feelings have been hurt.
My hair isn't always done, and I don't shower twice a day. Or every day for that matter. Sometimes I don't do laundry for months, until I'm down to bikini bottoms or washing old underwear by hand to wear the next day. Sometimes I pick my nose, and if there is no tissue handy, I "roll and blow." I don't act like an adult all the time, and my maturity wavers.
I've fallen for men for the wrong reason. I've had sex for the wrong reason. I've put myself in situations where all I could do is lose, but I just knew in my heart that I should win. I've conducted myself in ways that my mother would not be proud of. I've done things that my father would cringe at. And my brother and sister? Basically, they know very little about me.
I don't tell my friends everything and I've lied to all of them before at least once. Sometimes, the truth doesn't always come out and honesty is not always the best policy. I've hurt other women before to get what I want from a man, knowingly and unknowingly. My eyebrows are not always done, and if you saw my feet right now, you'd call the police. Sometimes I try too hard to get attention, just to prove that I still got it, and sometimes I shy away from attention for fear that I won't get any. I'm insecure on the occasion about my weight, size, height and intellectual capabilities. And sometimes I think that I won't be a good therapist.
Some of these things, I'm in control of. Some of this, I'm not. This is all to say, that with all of my flaws, I am still unconditionally in love with myself. I am generally proud of my accomplishments, and I am in love with the way that I love people. Many of these things about me will never change. While I do have some regrets, they have all taught me more about myself and the way that I choose to interact with others. I still sometimes conduct myself in ways that I'm not proud of, but being older, and being wiser, these are decisions that I have chosen to make, to try to secure my happiness in whatever area of my life. Whether I get what I want or get bit in the ass, the choices are mine now, and no longer a consequence of not knowing any better.
I'm in control of my life enough now to follow my mind only when I want to, and to follow my heart when I feel like I need to. The importance of this balance has just been realized, and although I may never get it right, I am comfortable and confident enough in myself to know that it would only be wrong to do it any other way.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Tears.
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
[Hook]
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
[Repeat Hook]
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
[Hook]
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
[Repeat Hook]
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
This song always get me. Today, in particular, I was no match for Lauryn. She spoke, she sang, she moved me. In a good way. This is not a song that makes me regret. Not a song that makes me mad or sad.Just makes me think.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Where Is He?
Does this question sound familiar?
Have you heard you friends say this?
Have you heard women on TV say this?
Have you heard you friends say this?
Have you heard women on TV say this?
The infamous, "WHERE IS HE?" question runs rampant, and I must say, especially in the Black community because we're apparently pressed for good men! (Or so they say...the gender ratio is a whole 'nother post y'all) But anyway, many women find themselves asking themselves, their friends and their family this very question. And, trust, this question doesn't go away until they find "him!" And the longer he takes, the longer the question stands, and the more we begin to doubt ourselves or take a microscope to missed chances of the past...
I have a few friends who ask this question. Some way seriously, some only in times of sadness. But..they ask. Hey, I've even thought about the question before. But then I find myself getting too upset to even dare indulge it. Cuz honestly, this question annoys me. In fact, lately, it's actually pissed me off. I roll my eyes at the question. In the words of a good friend, "I spit" at this damn question. And I am very concerned at the increasing rates of Black women asking this question.
The # of women that I come across that have been pinned down by, cut down by, sent into psychological distress by, and dependent on this question to define themselves scares me. Now, I'm not saying not to be a fan of love and not to want to be in love and have someone love you. In my current situation, you KNOW I can't even go there! I am ALL about love! And I can only wish that every single person in this world could experience 14% of the feelings of love that I have for someone, and they'd be good in this area! But...I digress.
Anyway, my response to this question from now on, is (obviously not with clients):
Where are YOU?
Forget where he is. Forget what he's doing. Forget the fact that he's driving you mad and crazy, making you wait on him. Where are YOU in YOUR life, where you can't seem to function properly without him or the prospect of him? Where are YOU where you find yourself complaining about being unhappy with life because you're single or have been single for too long for it to be doing any good? Where are YOU with YOURSELF when you become dependent on another person (whoever that person may be) for you to shine through, do your thing, and have your own? Why are you waiting for him? What has he promised you, that you can only get from him?
I'll tell you what he HASN'T promised you, boo. He has NOT said that he would make you completely happy. He has NOT said that with him, you will be successful in the most important respects to you. He has NOT told you that with him, you will feel complete. Shit, he ain't even tell you he's on his way! He canNOT grant you that education, or that experience that you're getting. He has NOT promised to provide for you (or your family) upon his arrival.
So, please tell me, what are you really waiting for? And before you answer, look up the Cinderalla complex. Then look up the Prince Charming complex. Interpret what you find. Interpret what that means to you. Let it sink in that this is real world, and you must have your own. We're in a recession. Can't play no games!
Just thinkin on the keyboard...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Why Can't I Wait?
"Don't ever wait on no nigga."
"Don't waste your time waiting on some man to be with you."
"If he wanted to be with you, you wouldn't have to wait."
"Why slow yourself down to wait on a man to get his shit together?"
"Never make someone a priority, and settle for them making you an option."
"Don't waste your time waiting on some man to be with you."
"If he wanted to be with you, you wouldn't have to wait."
"Why slow yourself down to wait on a man to get his shit together?"
"Never make someone a priority, and settle for them making you an option."
Sound familiar? These are all statements and questions that I have heard numerous times from friends, family, and just in group discussion. Time is limited, time is precious, time is never a given. Who wants to ever waste their time on something that's not worth it? Wasting time could mean patiently waiting, impatiently waiting, saving yourself, putting in tangible effort with no reward, etc. Wasting time could mean exposing feeling and emotion and not feeling that those are being reciprocated.
So, I ask you fellow bloggers...what's the damn rush? Why does waiting for a relationship or waiting for love, equate to wasting your time? Why isn't OK to wait for someone to be ready for you and what you will provide? Disclaimer: there ARE situations in which you may be wasting your time. there ARE situations in which you are waiting for something/someone that is not coming. there ARE situations in which it would be best to move on.
Personally, I'd prefer to wait for something I know is real. I'll wait for someone to be in the place that they feel they need to be, in order to be with me. That shows that he's not only taking care of himself, but that's invested in making this a good relationship, and has realized what he is and is not ready for at the time. I don't take "waiting" as something to mean that hes disinterested, or the "player" type, or not good enough to be with me. This also does not mean that I am lowering my standards in order to cater to someone else's needs. I respect when someone either shows me or tells me that they are not looking for the same things that I am at this moment.
So, currently, I'm waiting. Waiting on a good thing, waiting for the best thing. Love between two people is never something that should be rushed because we're on some clock of relationship accomplishments and aspirations. Love should be something that each party is whole-heartedly invested in, at the time that each party is ready and willing to partake in it. So I'm waiting for situations to alter and for roles to adjust. And I'm fine with that. And, so what, say he's not the man I'm going to marry. The experience thus far, and the experiences we'll have in the future, are not ones that I regret, or will ever forget. I will wait for him now, because being with someone else will not be fair to them or to me. I will wait for my emotions to be in check. I will wait for my priorities to be in check. I will wait to be back to myself again before I choose to engage with someone else.
I'm fine with not dating anyone, and stating that I'm not dating because I'm currently interested in someone. Why should I be embarrassed to say that I'm into someone? How many times have you been interested in someone that may not be interested in you in the same capacity? It happens and it's a part of life. I'd rather be honest than trying to prove to myself that I'm date-worthy or lovable, or jump into something I know isn't right, but that I'm about to try to MAKE right cuz now's the time to be in love with someone. So yes y'all, I'm single and interested. Or, single and waiting for someone. However you want to look at it.
My time, my love, my commitment to someone are not things that can be rushed. Not now, not ever.
So, I ask you fellow bloggers...what's the damn rush? Why does waiting for a relationship or waiting for love, equate to wasting your time? Why isn't OK to wait for someone to be ready for you and what you will provide? Disclaimer: there ARE situations in which you may be wasting your time. there ARE situations in which you are waiting for something/someone that is not coming. there ARE situations in which it would be best to move on.
Personally, I'd prefer to wait for something I know is real. I'll wait for someone to be in the place that they feel they need to be, in order to be with me. That shows that he's not only taking care of himself, but that's invested in making this a good relationship, and has realized what he is and is not ready for at the time. I don't take "waiting" as something to mean that hes disinterested, or the "player" type, or not good enough to be with me. This also does not mean that I am lowering my standards in order to cater to someone else's needs. I respect when someone either shows me or tells me that they are not looking for the same things that I am at this moment.
So, currently, I'm waiting. Waiting on a good thing, waiting for the best thing. Love between two people is never something that should be rushed because we're on some clock of relationship accomplishments and aspirations. Love should be something that each party is whole-heartedly invested in, at the time that each party is ready and willing to partake in it. So I'm waiting for situations to alter and for roles to adjust. And I'm fine with that. And, so what, say he's not the man I'm going to marry. The experience thus far, and the experiences we'll have in the future, are not ones that I regret, or will ever forget. I will wait for him now, because being with someone else will not be fair to them or to me. I will wait for my emotions to be in check. I will wait for my priorities to be in check. I will wait to be back to myself again before I choose to engage with someone else.
I'm fine with not dating anyone, and stating that I'm not dating because I'm currently interested in someone. Why should I be embarrassed to say that I'm into someone? How many times have you been interested in someone that may not be interested in you in the same capacity? It happens and it's a part of life. I'd rather be honest than trying to prove to myself that I'm date-worthy or lovable, or jump into something I know isn't right, but that I'm about to try to MAKE right cuz now's the time to be in love with someone. So yes y'all, I'm single and interested. Or, single and waiting for someone. However you want to look at it.
My time, my love, my commitment to someone are not things that can be rushed. Not now, not ever.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Going to War.
I have war wounds. I have battle scars. I'm still in the midst of a war that I'll probably never win, but refuse to wave my white flag to.
A war with my mind.
A war with my heart.
A war with my soul.
A war with myself.
A war with my life.
The battle began years ago, when I was in my first "real" relationship.
The battle began years ago, when I decided what I wanted my career choice to be.
The battle began years ago, when I told myself that I would and could only be myself, and if ever placed in a situation where that was not possible, I would have to politely remove myself.
This battle continued into war. Unstrategized (sp), unsophisticated war.
The war to be me. The battle to make you happy. The battle to keep you comfortable. The war to keep myself and my psyche safe.
Why war? Why did things ever get that far? Why weren't/aren't things more compatible? Why is it so hard for me to be myself AND make you happy? Why did I find it so difficult to keep myself, my emotions, my heart safe, AND make you comfortable at the same time?
Statement of the problem: I took it upon myself to be responsible for your functioning. I told myself, that if I just did/do this differently, you'll be good. What the fuck happened to me being good? What happened to AY being comfortable and prepped adequately for a 7+ year fight?
Not only did I have no mental preparation for this battle, I had no ammunition, no vest, no weapons and no damn GPS navigation system. Left lost and delirious. Left alone and unprotected.
So, as it stands, I still refuse to wave my white flag. I refuse to eat my words, censor my passion, hide my emotion. I am in this war. I AM THIS WAR. A war with myself, a war with you, and war with him, a war with them. A war with the past me, the old you, the old him and the past them; and I choose to be here. My wounds are signs of struggle, signs of fighting, signs of what I had to go through to solidify where I need to be. This is a battle that I will fight for the rest of my damn life.
Because if I lose this war, I will lose myself. And the self that I love, the self that I am, the self that I want to be, is not someone who can ever be reclaimed once defeated.
A war with my mind.
A war with my heart.
A war with my soul.
A war with myself.
A war with my life.
The battle began years ago, when I was in my first "real" relationship.
The battle began years ago, when I decided what I wanted my career choice to be.
The battle began years ago, when I told myself that I would and could only be myself, and if ever placed in a situation where that was not possible, I would have to politely remove myself.
This battle continued into war. Unstrategized (sp), unsophisticated war.
The war to be me. The battle to make you happy. The battle to keep you comfortable. The war to keep myself and my psyche safe.
Why war? Why did things ever get that far? Why weren't/aren't things more compatible? Why is it so hard for me to be myself AND make you happy? Why did I find it so difficult to keep myself, my emotions, my heart safe, AND make you comfortable at the same time?
Statement of the problem: I took it upon myself to be responsible for your functioning. I told myself, that if I just did/do this differently, you'll be good. What the fuck happened to me being good? What happened to AY being comfortable and prepped adequately for a 7+ year fight?
Not only did I have no mental preparation for this battle, I had no ammunition, no vest, no weapons and no damn GPS navigation system. Left lost and delirious. Left alone and unprotected.
So, as it stands, I still refuse to wave my white flag. I refuse to eat my words, censor my passion, hide my emotion. I am in this war. I AM THIS WAR. A war with myself, a war with you, and war with him, a war with them. A war with the past me, the old you, the old him and the past them; and I choose to be here. My wounds are signs of struggle, signs of fighting, signs of what I had to go through to solidify where I need to be. This is a battle that I will fight for the rest of my damn life.
Because if I lose this war, I will lose myself. And the self that I love, the self that I am, the self that I want to be, is not someone who can ever be reclaimed once defeated.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
My Love Is...
Yo,I'm tripping right,
I heard you got married.
You got married?
It don't really...make any sense
I mean,
It's not like I--I didn't think you were seeing other people or whatever,
I mean, I was seeing other people but
You know what this is,
You know what it was, you...
I can't say I really understand though
You chose her cause she's sweet as pie
Take what you give, even your life
But baby, are happy without me?
She scrubs your back, washes your clothes
Gives you everything that ask for
But don't you ever want more?
Cause my love
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
(My love, my love)
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
Mmmm, what we had don't need no words
Deeper than anything you ever heard
I ain't reaching baby,
I know I should be your lady
You say you're happy
You say you're great
But you know and I know you really ain't
You need to come be with me
That's the way it's supposed to be
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
Cause ohh,
All I ever do is think about you baby
I hold you in my arms inside my dreams
And I know what I know and what I know is
That no matter where you go
You will always think of me...
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
jill scott - my love
Friday, November 7, 2008
Black Love.
Black Love.
Something that lots of people, Black/White/Yellow/Purple, feel doesn't exist anymore.
Black Love.
Hardly displayed in the media, and pathologized in literature written about African Americans.
Black Love.
An entity, a power, a dynamic that has supported the souls of my Black people for hundreds of years; from Africa and outward.
Black Love.
The uniting factor that has kept my parents together for 34 going on 35 years., and hopefully many many more.
Black Love.
Epitomized by our new First Family, and contrary to popular belief, not just about sexual attraction and uncontrollable, uninformed urges.
Black Love.
Something so endured by this beautiful couple, and emulated beautifully by this family both on and off the camera.
Black Love.
Consisting of images that can no longer perpetuate the notion that this love, our love, doesn't exist anymore. Images that no long reinforce the notion that true, undefined, and original romantic love between Black people is a myth.
Black Love.
Something that I long for always, strive for always, and have realized for the first time ever in my life. Something that has no end, and that if true, will keep creating itself.
Black Love.
Please believe it. And please keep believing IN it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Stolen Women: Reclaiming Our Sexuality
(pic courtesy of Amazon)"Gail Elizabeth Wyatt's Stolen Women explores how body identities are often shaped by deeply rooted myths and cultural stereotypes. Tracing black women's body images and sexuality from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, Wyatt powerfully explains in her introduction that "to the degree that we allow our sexual self-image to be defined by others, we will remain, as our ancestors were, stolen women, captives not of strangers but of the past, and of our own unexamined experiences. The challenge we face is to see ourselves not as others see us or want us to be seen, but as we are, as we were, and as we want to be."
Wyatt, a Ph.D. and professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science at UCLA, explores the origins and hazards of these images through a psychiatric lens. Her use of case studies and behavioral research puts a human face on how these myths affect the development of young black women, and her careful analysis breaks down behavioral trends clearly and concisely. Black women are often seen in opposing sexual terms, either as completely nonsexual or perpetually sexually available. Wyatt fills in the gap between these two dangerous stereotypes, unpacking childhood messages about sex and exploring issues like how girls learn to be "ladies." She encourages all "stolen women" to regain control over their bodies from these external forces, allowing women to apply her work to their own lives and giving them the tools to break free, refusing to believe these painful myths are unchangeable." -- Amy Wan
So, I haven't finished this piece yet, but close to it. Dr. Wyatt looks at Black female sexuality from a historical, cultural and contemporary perspective. And...she does it RIGHT! Not only was I doing a lot of head nodding--I was writing in the margins, taking notes, talking about it with colleagues, friends, etc. This book has touched me. Similarly to Shifting (which I reviewed in an earlier post, Stolen Women looks at the lives of Black women today and how we have been affected by our past. how we have been raped, brutalized, exploited and stereotyped; and how we are still fighting this today.
As you may know, I'm real big on sex. But more importantly, I believe in having a healthy sexuality that you are able to express with whomever, whether this be through words, art, music, swag, or the act itself. Your sexuality is your own, and while people in your life do sometimes discourage it, and it may feel like it's been taken away from you due to low self esteem or trauma, but you own it! Big or small, short or tall, you are a sexual being, and whether you are sexually active or not, your sexuality is always a force to wreckon with, once you learn how to affirm it properly.
People will always try to label you, and as black women, we tend to be labeled as either promiscuous or asexual, never an in between combo of confident in ourselves and mature with our sexuality. So it IS our job to use it, and use it well!
Oh, and how awesome is it that Dr. Gail Wyatt a sex therapist?!?! Ahh, my idol. (for real though, I definitely plan on having a specialty along the lines)
Check this great read out ladies (black or white); I guarantee you'll learn about yourself, your peers, and your sexual power!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Serenity. More Ways Than One.
"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other." - Reinhold Neibuhr
-
- "O God and Heavenly Father,
- Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; the courage to change that which can be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen." - Queries and Answers
- "For every ailment under the sun
- There is a remedy, or there is none;
- If there be one, try to find it;
- If there be none, never mind it." - W.W. Bartley
- "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
- courage to change the things I can,
- and the wisdom to know the difference." - Alcoholics Anonymous
- "God grant me the serenity
- To accept the things I cannot change;
- Courage to change the things I can;
- And wisdom to know the difference.
- Living one day at a time;
- Enjoying one moment at a time;
- Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
- Taking, as He did, this sinful world
- As it is, not as I would have it;
- Trusting that He will make all things right
- If I surrender to His Will;
- So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
- And supremely happy with Him
- Forever and ever in the next." - Unknown
Whoever said it, however you want to spin it, serenity is something we all long for; something we all need a bit of; something that seems impossible to attain, and something we cannot get from our external world.
I'm slowly learning that my own personal serenity has to come from within...I can't blame my supposed lack of it on my busy school schedule, my clients, my dissertation; no. I can't blame it on family illness, break ups, bad friends...I've been so caught up in the serenity of the world; the serenity that I think others have that I don't; the serenity of those in good relationships, with good friends, good food, satisfying careers, etc. But, why am I so caught up in the comparison? Why is his/her serenity any more valuable than my own? How dare I even try to place value on mine and other's peace?
I'm slowly learning that my own personal serenity has to come from within...I can't blame my supposed lack of it on my busy school schedule, my clients, my dissertation; no. I can't blame it on family illness, break ups, bad friends...I've been so caught up in the serenity of the world; the serenity that I think others have that I don't; the serenity of those in good relationships, with good friends, good food, satisfying careers, etc. But, why am I so caught up in the comparison? Why is his/her serenity any more valuable than my own? How dare I even try to place value on mine and other's peace?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Let's Talk About Sex!
Again, as any regular reader can tell, I am very much aware of my sexuality and very much into Black sexuality and its use as a definition of self. Below is something I wrote a little while ago, that I haven't had the chance to expand, but definitely will. Whether I choose to disseminate to a wider audience, we shall see. But for now...I give this, to you:
"I am no freak, but I definitely appreciate what I can bring to a sexual relationship with a man, and I appreciate what I can do for him. And vice versa...my sexuality is nothing I should be ashamed of...it's informative, it's educational, it's an art in itself. My pussy is a paintbrush, and with it I draw out my fantasies, your fantasies, our wants and needs that cannot be met by anyone else at this very moment...
"I am no freak, but I definitely appreciate what I can bring to a sexual relationship with a man, and I appreciate what I can do for him. And vice versa...my sexuality is nothing I should be ashamed of...it's informative, it's educational, it's an art in itself. My pussy is a paintbrush, and with it I draw out my fantasies, your fantasies, our wants and needs that cannot be met by anyone else at this very moment...
So why should I blush when speaking about this subject? Why should I watch my words when I talk about what I want and need from a man, and what I want to give to him? Why should I be discrete when I talk about what pleases me sexually, and what I think or know pleases him in the same way?
Who says sex can't be talked about on a first date? I can ask you where you're from, what you do, all about your family and place of origin, trying to get a feel for your personality...yet how you express yourself in bed should be saved for date #4...We make ourselves so busy trying to find the love of lour lives...most of this confined to what we have in common, goals in life, general vibe between us. But let me tell you, if that "vibe" is not there when we have sex, then the rest of that pertinent information can go out of the window. The perfection of my mate includes our connection during sexual activity. Call me shallow, tell me I'm overlooking what's "important," but I'll tell you that you're overlooking and ignoring one of the most important aspects of our characters...
Expression comes in all forms, verbal and nonverbal. It's on my face, it's in my voice, it's in my swagger, it's in my look, it's in my touch. Oooh, my touch, my stroke, my gaze, my posture. Body language. And you know what my body says...
Your sexuality and the expression of it is just as important to me as your honesty, your intellect, or your relationship with the world...so why can't I know?
My sexuality is a threat. It is my weapon of choice against those who aren't willing or cannot go the distance with me. You can be shocked, you can be appalled, you can be disgusted, but without knowing who you are sexually, you are also lost, confused and delirious..."
My Definition...of Me.
As you regular readers (do I even have regular readers??) may know, I just started working on my dissertation, which is examining at Black women and sexuality. (That's all I'll say about it for now, or I'll be going for days!)
As I consume this mass amount of research, day in, day out, and as I read about Black women from a historical perspective, sociological perspective, economical perspective, mostly WHITE perspective, I find so many emotions arising that I'm gonna need to keep OUT of my writing for professional purposes! I am so ready to tell SO many "scholars" off that I can bust!
The main reason that I've decided to dedicate my life's work to Black folk (not exclusively, of course, that's not nice), but definitely community oriented, is because I am sick and tired of being defined by someone else. And by someone else, I mean the current dominant society. And by current dominant society, I mean Whites. Most of the research on Black people, Black culture, Black experience, is written from the outside. This is for many reasons.
It's not because Black people CANNOT write.
It's not because Black people DO not write.
This is because those who have the power to DISSEMINATE their writing, are NOT Black. Those who have the education, skills, and access to publishers and other educators, are our White counterparts. See a problem? Cuz I see a problem.
Historically, Blacks have been defined inaccurately, and without remorse, by others. Black females, especially, have been stripped of their authority to define themselves racially and sexually, from a history filled with sexploitation to a contemporary world of video vixens and hos. We have a complex that no one can deny. Why? Because we have taken on this damned definition that was given to us without knowing us, without respecting us, without BEING us, and we now learned to use it against ourselves. From our violence, to our sexuality, to our identity.
Well, I will say one thing.
I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a fabulous family, great friends, and an undeniable education that instills within me the power to define myself. (AND to disseminate my own shit when I get my degree!) As I continue to read and learn, I am learning to finally examine and apply; what is said about me, what is said about my brother, my father, my uncle, my mother, my aunt, my cousins; what is said about you, and what is said about us; and use all of this information to RE-DEFINE myself, to RE-DEFINE my people, in our own words, through a Black lens, through THE BLACK EXPERIENCE.
I am a Black woman. That no longer equates to uneducated (however, it may equate to miseducated), poor or lazy.
I am educated. This means that I can do more than take care of house, home and kids. I can read, write, speak, judge, plan and deliver accordingly.
I have sex, and I like it. This no longer equates to being a Jezebel, ready to fuck and suck anything that comes my way, and not having sense enough to know how you regard my sexuality. I am not hyper-sexed, always looking for a good time, and incapable of sophisticated love.
I love. Not only my children. Not only myself. Not only my man. But I am capable of an unconditional love of my people, that I will never apologize for.
I can. I can do it all. And if your definition of me limits my ability to do anything that I want, then it is incorrect. And it then becomes my job, and my place, to correct you.
As I consume this mass amount of research, day in, day out, and as I read about Black women from a historical perspective, sociological perspective, economical perspective, mostly WHITE perspective, I find so many emotions arising that I'm gonna need to keep OUT of my writing for professional purposes! I am so ready to tell SO many "scholars" off that I can bust!
The main reason that I've decided to dedicate my life's work to Black folk (not exclusively, of course, that's not nice), but definitely community oriented, is because I am sick and tired of being defined by someone else. And by someone else, I mean the current dominant society. And by current dominant society, I mean Whites. Most of the research on Black people, Black culture, Black experience, is written from the outside. This is for many reasons.
It's not because Black people CANNOT write.
It's not because Black people DO not write.
This is because those who have the power to DISSEMINATE their writing, are NOT Black. Those who have the education, skills, and access to publishers and other educators, are our White counterparts. See a problem? Cuz I see a problem.
Historically, Blacks have been defined inaccurately, and without remorse, by others. Black females, especially, have been stripped of their authority to define themselves racially and sexually, from a history filled with sexploitation to a contemporary world of video vixens and hos. We have a complex that no one can deny. Why? Because we have taken on this damned definition that was given to us without knowing us, without respecting us, without BEING us, and we now learned to use it against ourselves. From our violence, to our sexuality, to our identity.
Well, I will say one thing.
I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a fabulous family, great friends, and an undeniable education that instills within me the power to define myself. (AND to disseminate my own shit when I get my degree!) As I continue to read and learn, I am learning to finally examine and apply; what is said about me, what is said about my brother, my father, my uncle, my mother, my aunt, my cousins; what is said about you, and what is said about us; and use all of this information to RE-DEFINE myself, to RE-DEFINE my people, in our own words, through a Black lens, through THE BLACK EXPERIENCE.
I am a Black woman. That no longer equates to uneducated (however, it may equate to miseducated), poor or lazy.
I am educated. This means that I can do more than take care of house, home and kids. I can read, write, speak, judge, plan and deliver accordingly.
I have sex, and I like it. This no longer equates to being a Jezebel, ready to fuck and suck anything that comes my way, and not having sense enough to know how you regard my sexuality. I am not hyper-sexed, always looking for a good time, and incapable of sophisticated love.
I love. Not only my children. Not only myself. Not only my man. But I am capable of an unconditional love of my people, that I will never apologize for.
I can. I can do it all. And if your definition of me limits my ability to do anything that I want, then it is incorrect. And it then becomes my job, and my place, to correct you.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Say What Snaps?
A good friend of mine, SNAPS, posted to her blog the other day on a life changing event and came away from it with this FABULOUS quote:
"PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU AS WELL AS YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO THEM"
At this trying time in my life, this quote resonates with me so much that I almost shed a mothertruckin' tear when I read it! (Thanks Snaps, thanks-a-lot) SO anyway, this phrase can be applied to damn near any context that it is placed in, concerning relating to other people. Whether professionally, romantically, friendly, familially (likely not a word), whatever, I find that people treat you the way they see you. In my profession, working with severely chronic psychotic and mood disordered folk, this definitely applies. I treat my clients, and form a therapeutic relationship with them, based on how I see them, and vice versa. If they do not trust me, they will let me know, in their own way. If they trust me and depend on me for guidance, they will act like it. Mind you, these presentations wane depending on the situation of course. But, I digress.
In the context of societal influences, everyone treats others based on their own personal categorization of them; whether by race, creed, height, gender, eye color, location, swagger, anything. We all have these set schemas in our mind that guide us on how to live, based on what we've been through or what we've seen others go through.
Pretty self explanatory stuff, right?
If I've seen the likes of you before, whoever YOU are, I will act accordingly. If I've acted toward your like a certain way in the past and got burned, I will from here on out change my swag with your like. If I had a pleasant experience with "your like" before, again, I will act accordingly. By accordingly, I don't mean according to YOU, I mean, according to ME, and MY experiences.
Again, pretty simple stuff, right?
So, as I begin my two year dissertation project on Black male / Black female relationships, this quote is emblazoned in my mind. As black men and women navigate their way through their respective dating pools, moaning and groaning about what's not out there for them, looking on as more and more White folk their same age are tying the knot, starting families, building new lives, they need to keep this particular quote in mind.
While this quote is equal opportunity, I am especially talking to my Black female cohort. Men will continue to treat us, how we demand to be treated. Disclaimer: some men ARE in the art of taking advantage of women, and the stability and health of a relationship is dependent only upon the stability and health of EACH partner, so even if a woman presents themself in one way, they treat them in another. However, even in the case of someone taking advantage of another, only YOU decide how you will be treated and what you can and will put yourself through. While a tough decision to make when it comes to love, you know yourself best, and you know what you want / need in your relationships. But again, I digress.
If you present yourself as needy, dependent, looking for love, NEEDING a man's protection and affection to be happy, then...you will be treated as such, my dear. If you go into a relationship and give YOURSELF (which is all you got) up, trust, someone will TAKE YOU THERE. If you let men (or women) get away with the bullshit that you would gossip about if another girl were your the same situation, then change needs to be made. And introspection needs to take place. That, in itself, in letting shit go down, is presenting yourself, as willing to deal with it. And ladies, we seem to forget this time and time again. We are ALWAYS presenting ourselves to other people. And we have many different presentations. If you continually PRESENT as a woman who will suffer through abuse, neglect, disrespect, str8 up trash, then you WILL be treated as such! Sorry.
And this is not to blame anyone. Self-esteem is subjective, and our pride is a force to be reckoned with. However, IT'S ALL IN THE PRESENTATION OF SELF!
Please self-reflect. It's the only way that we, as a society, as a people, can make it.
In the context of societal influences, everyone treats others based on their own personal categorization of them; whether by race, creed, height, gender, eye color, location, swagger, anything. We all have these set schemas in our mind that guide us on how to live, based on what we've been through or what we've seen others go through.
Pretty self explanatory stuff, right?
If I've seen the likes of you before, whoever YOU are, I will act accordingly. If I've acted toward your like a certain way in the past and got burned, I will from here on out change my swag with your like. If I had a pleasant experience with "your like" before, again, I will act accordingly. By accordingly, I don't mean according to YOU, I mean, according to ME, and MY experiences.
Again, pretty simple stuff, right?
So, as I begin my two year dissertation project on Black male / Black female relationships, this quote is emblazoned in my mind. As black men and women navigate their way through their respective dating pools, moaning and groaning about what's not out there for them, looking on as more and more White folk their same age are tying the knot, starting families, building new lives, they need to keep this particular quote in mind.
While this quote is equal opportunity, I am especially talking to my Black female cohort. Men will continue to treat us, how we demand to be treated. Disclaimer: some men ARE in the art of taking advantage of women, and the stability and health of a relationship is dependent only upon the stability and health of EACH partner, so even if a woman presents themself in one way, they treat them in another. However, even in the case of someone taking advantage of another, only YOU decide how you will be treated and what you can and will put yourself through. While a tough decision to make when it comes to love, you know yourself best, and you know what you want / need in your relationships. But again, I digress.
If you present yourself as needy, dependent, looking for love, NEEDING a man's protection and affection to be happy, then...you will be treated as such, my dear. If you go into a relationship and give YOURSELF (which is all you got) up, trust, someone will TAKE YOU THERE. If you let men (or women) get away with the bullshit that you would gossip about if another girl were your the same situation, then change needs to be made. And introspection needs to take place. That, in itself, in letting shit go down, is presenting yourself, as willing to deal with it. And ladies, we seem to forget this time and time again. We are ALWAYS presenting ourselves to other people. And we have many different presentations. If you continually PRESENT as a woman who will suffer through abuse, neglect, disrespect, str8 up trash, then you WILL be treated as such! Sorry.
And this is not to blame anyone. Self-esteem is subjective, and our pride is a force to be reckoned with. However, IT'S ALL IN THE PRESENTATION OF SELF!
Please self-reflect. It's the only way that we, as a society, as a people, can make it.
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