February 14th, Whenever.

So this year I have a "Valentine." Not someone I chose to be my Valentine, or someone who asked me to be their Valentine. But someone, who by definition, has been labeled as such. This someone, being my wonderful, knuckle-headed, sweet and absolutely imperfect boyfriend.

So, what does February 14th, (tomorrow) mean to me? Not much. So, why are we not celebrating? Good question. A question that, while he is ecstatic that I'm fine not celebrating and is happy to know that no money shall be spent on this Hallmark Holiday, still makes him wonder, "What is wrong with this chick to not want to celebrate the day that was made specifically for her, and more specifically for her, when she's in a relationship? What did I do wrong?"

Awww, boo, you did nothing wrong. My problem, my issue, my concern, is with what this holiday represents and says to all who indulge, and those who don't indulge. I mean, the cliche way to approach this is to say that this holiday should be moot because romantic love should be celebrated EVERY day. Sure. That's fine. I get it. But why is something the matter when I've been "given" something that's always been a fad and wanted by eveyrone (unless you're on the Schizophrenic spectrum), and I'm just kickin it??

Here's why. Honestly, I don't celebrate romantic love everyday. Should I be? No doubt it's one of the most surreal experiences I've ever entertained in my life, and I'm grateful to have run into it at least once, but should it really always be celebrated? Because, in fact, this man pisses me off sometimes. He makes me mad, to the point where "love" is not the topic, and I'm spittin hot fire at his neck. Love, in and of itself, is tiring. It's takes time, energy, emotion, etc. It's not all gravy, it's not all nice, and while it's been my best life experience, it's also been my worst, and will indeed likely lead to some detriment in my life.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't love love. I wouldn't trade it, I promise you. And I'd go through all the shit I've already been through, to get to where I am in my journey to love. But...have we been putting love on too high of a pedestal? For those of us who have it, or had it, or long for it, or need it, or think they may have had it...the answer may be no. But what about those thousands and possibly millions of people that haven't had the chance? What does Valentine's Day say to them? "Awww, maybe next year you'll reach this quinessential peak of life..." That ain't even right...

I really don't know where I was going with this one...I'm just annoyed by the sea of read and pink I'm seeing all over the place, as well as sick of people asking people what I'm doing and where I'm going, then seeing their disgruntled and confused faces when I tell them that I'll be studying and playing PS2 with the boy.

Ah well. So much for the popular way to love.

In Control.

I'm not the best person in the world. I'm not the nicest person in the world. In fact, I have numerous faults. Some that I'm ashamed of, some that I've tried to hide, some that I've learned to live with, some I try to ignore, and some I've tried to chop down. Sometimes my morals are non-existent, and I'm not always a lady. My smile is typically plastered on my face, and I tend to analyze any and everything that you say or do.

Sometimes I curse, and sometimes I'm irrational. Sometimes I get mad at the wrong person, and I don't apologize. Sometimes I'm very spiteful when I feel as though I've been wronged.

I can't cook that well, and if you really give a damn about that for wife purposes, you should look elsewhere. I also don't clean as regularly as I should. My place is frequently a mess, and I tend to clean when I'm about to have company, or when I get pissed that I can't find something that I'm looking for.

I don't pay all of my bills on time every month and I'm not great at saving. I don't always do my homework. I procrastinate like a professional. Sometimes I'm a bad friend. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite. Hey, sometimes I'm a straightup and downright bitch. And while I know this, don't you dare come out of your mouth and call me on it.

Sometimes I'm passive aggressive because I feel like being outwardly mean will cause a confrontation. Leading to, sometimes I'm a punk. Sometimes I start arguments just to win, and sometimes I start arguments with you to prove that you care. Sometimes I point out flaws in others as a way of denying them in myself.

Sometimes I act like the "typical" girl and sometimes I act like the "typical" dude. I get emotional, and know the perfect way to be a brat to get my way. Sometimes I'm rude to you, and don't really give a damn, no matter how much your feelings have been hurt.

My hair isn't always done, and I don't shower twice a day. Or every day for that matter. Sometimes I don't do laundry for months, until I'm down to bikini bottoms or washing old underwear by hand to wear the next day. Sometimes I pick my nose, and if there is no tissue handy, I "roll and blow." I don't act like an adult all the time, and my maturity wavers.

I've fallen for men for the wrong reason. I've had sex for the wrong reason. I've put myself in situations where all I could do is lose, but I just knew in my heart that I should win. I've conducted myself in ways that my mother would not be proud of. I've done things that my father would cringe at. And my brother and sister? Basically, they know very little about me.

I don't tell my friends everything and I've lied to all of them before at least once. Sometimes, the truth doesn't always come out and honesty is not always the best policy. I've hurt other women before to get what I want from a man, knowingly and unknowingly. My eyebrows are not always done, and if you saw my feet right now, you'd call the police. Sometimes I try too hard to get attention, just to prove that I still got it, and sometimes I shy away from attention for fear that I won't get any. I'm insecure on the occasion about my weight, size, height and intellectual capabilities. And sometimes I think that I won't be a good therapist.

Some of these things, I'm in control of. Some of this, I'm not. This is all to say, that with all of my flaws, I am still unconditionally in love with myself. I am generally proud of my accomplishments, and I am in love with the way that I love people. Many of these things about me will never change. While I do have some regrets, they have all taught me more about myself and the way that I choose to interact with others. I still sometimes conduct myself in ways that I'm not proud of, but being older, and being wiser, these are decisions that I have chosen to make, to try to secure my happiness in whatever area of my life. Whether I get what I want or get bit in the ass, the choices are mine now, and no longer a consequence of not knowing any better.

I'm in control of my life enough now to follow my mind only when I want to, and to follow my heart when I feel like I need to. The importance of this balance has just been realized, and although I may never get it right, I am comfortable and confident enough in myself to know that it would only be wrong to do it any other way.

Syracuse Meets Chicago!

So since I've been in the big city, there have been quite a few people from my past that have stopped through, which I'm always thoroughly excited about. It just seemed that as soon as I stepped foot here, this seemed to be the place for job trainings, new careers, sight seeing events, etc. So, I always love feeling a bit of my former life while I'm here.

Cuz it gets lonely sometimes. :-(

I've had ex-boyfriends / old lovers come to town, friends turned into brief lovers, best friends, as well as just good buddies stopping through town...and this weekend I ran into someone randomly from undergrad on the train, like, "oh sh*t! a familiar face in a big city!" While we didn't really hang out in undergrad, his face just brightened my entire evening...

Then I got the great news that someone I DID hang out with at SU just moved here this weekend! So what does this mean? Drinks, lunches, brunches and dinner dates to keep me sane (and help me procrastinate)! We grown now, we're gonna do it a little different from campus on the hill...

Hey, we all love the familiar. Personally, it brings me a little closer to the east coast, puts me more in touch with my past...and bring me a little closer to the real me.

Do You Know What Today Is?

(sang like Tony Tone Toni...)

"It's my anniversary...it's my anniversary" (of my birthday!
And what a day it will be!

Filled with:

class.
books.
learning.
reading.
oh! and writing.

and lots of questions surrounding how i celebrated or how i plan to celebrate. and lots of me giving answers like "eh, not this year."

but yay me. 24 don't know what's comin!

So....

I too, am overwhelmed.

By practicum.

By school.

By dissertation. (By thinking about dissertation)

By holding.

By changing in seasons.

By cleaning.

By not eating properly.

By loving.

By reading.

By not sleeping properly.

By talking.

By writing.

By learning.

By typing.

By knowing.

By being.

Frazzled.

1. The dissertation process has begun. I apparently have until August 10th, 2010 to basically...conduct a full blown study on my topic of choice, complete with a literature review, gather and drill human participants, obtain national and local approval, write out a methods, results,and discussion, and type about 150 clean pages of my effort.

2. 5 course load. Including Statistics, Neuropsychology and Family Therapy.

3. A relationship. Complete with nay-sayers, broke-ness and children. And lots of love...

4. Therapy practicum, complete with 8 individual clients and 6 group therapy sessions to run weekly. Psychotic, Personality Disordered individuals, and throw in some Mood Disorders why dontcha?

5. A long standing relationship with procrastination. I hate her. I love her. She increases my anxiety, while allowing me to sleep. She's my best friend and my nemesis.

6. A 17-20 hour a week job training students to working with families in the DCFS system; complete with abuse, neglect, mental illness and substance abuse. All the while editing 20-25 page reports (plural) weekly for courts. Gotta get paid!

7. A work-study position at school on Saturdays 8pm-5pm. Gotta get paid!

8. Bills.

9. Family.

10. Friends.

When Boyfriends Have Babies...

So what do you do when your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend gives birth to their child?

You DRINKITTUP.

And wait for the ride of your life to begin.