Going to War.

I have war wounds. I have battle scars. I'm still in the midst of a war that I'll probably never win, but refuse to wave my white flag to.

A war with my mind.
A war with my heart.
A war with my soul.
A war with myself.
A war with my life.

The battle began years ago, when I was in my first "real" relationship.
The battle began years ago, when I decided what I wanted my career choice to be.
The battle began years ago, when I told myself that I would and could only be myself, and if ever placed in a situation where that was not possible, I would have to politely remove myself.
This battle continued into war. Unstrategized (sp), unsophisticated war.

The war to be me. The battle to make you happy. The battle to keep you comfortable. The war to keep myself and my psyche safe.

Why war? Why did things ever get that far? Why weren't/aren't things more compatible? Why is it so hard for me to be myself AND make you happy? Why did I find it so difficult to keep myself, my emotions, my heart safe, AND make you comfortable at the same time?

Statement of the problem: I took it upon myself to be responsible for your functioning. I told myself, that if I just did/do this differently, you'll be good. What the fuck happened to me being good? What happened to AY being comfortable and prepped adequately for a 7+ year fight?

Not only did I have no mental preparation for this battle, I had no ammunition, no vest, no weapons and no damn GPS navigation system. Left lost and delirious. Left alone and unprotected.

So, as it stands, I still refuse to wave my white flag. I refuse to eat my words, censor my passion, hide my emotion. I am in this war. I AM THIS WAR. A war with myself, a war with you, and war with him, a war with them. A war with the past me, the old you, the old him and the past them; and I choose to be here. My wounds are signs of struggle, signs of fighting, signs of what I had to go through to solidify where I need to be. This is a battle that I will fight for the rest of my damn life.


Because if I lose this war, I will lose myself. And the self that I love, the self that I am, the self that I want to be, is not someone who can ever be reclaimed once defeated.